I wonder.

Sister two mentioned yesterday that its sad to be at home alone.
Really?

yea, i feel sorry about leaving her alone at home.
But. how many times have i gone down the guilt trip that has brought me back to the point of despair? if i don't stand up for myself now, then when?

will i ever, if not now?
carpe diem, no?

you cannot seize the day as an entity, but i think we certainly can change how the day affects our lives/us as people.

Labels: random "in sights"

"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."
SONG OF SOLOMON, TONI MORRISON

you know, it really sucks to talk to the wall. and every prac i feel like i'm talking to not one but many walls.

its fine. i know i'm a weak link, but just because i am doesn't mean that i don't have any worth at all. its funny how i've actually come to realise that i did do a pretty decent job with softball. no one's voice went unheard, weakest, or strongest. its kinda funny how it was more or less my first time consciously leading a group of sports people when i had very little sports and team knowledge and i walked out of it learning alot of things.

winning, for instance, is important, but not THE most important. Stars of the team are crucial, but like real celebrities, they do expect a certain level of special treatment. conscious or not. some people just expect to be in the starlight but never really care about sharing some of it with others....forgetting that a little goes a very long way. then there are the stars with the fake modesty. seriously, suck it up already. we know u love the comments.

Labels: gakkou, random "in sights"

The Hero Complex is an inherent desire to help others. It is a compulsion to help make their world right. NOT OFFICIALLY A DISORDER OR DISEASE, there are an increasing number of people who 'suffer' from it.

Comic book heroes also suffer from this disorder, having the need to help others. May also be associated with Zoological Altruism- Instinctive cooperative behavior that is detrimental to the individual but contributes to the survival of the species.

Those who suffer from it tend to feel like they do not understand what is wrong with them, or feel that the current life they live is insufficient. For most, the need will ebb and flow. There will be days where the sufferer will question why they have had the role thrust upon them, or will withdraw and think themselves into a quiet oblivion.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chippy thinks she is suffering from this.
See all the highlighted parts?
this is why we click, IMO.
scary huh.
i think the scariest part is the part about quiet oblivion.
the need sometimes is pretty great.
to just do, or be, nothing.
haha.
i scare myself.

i dun really think i am suffering from the hero complex now.
haha.
i'm becoming more and more selfish. i think.
half the time i really don't want to care at all.
then the hesitating starts.
sometimes i succumb, sometimes i go against better judgement.
sometimes i just think and think about it until the whole thing passes before i can even make up my mind.
haha.
funny right.

somehow we're all strangers, even to ourselves.
i find myself asking this. what am i? who am i? what am i here for?
and its really not like someone will answer.
i cant accept that i am going to end up spending the better half of my life trying to find the answers.
some dont even find the answers ever.
i dont want to be like that.
and i dont want to be a coward.
but this is my worst trait.
i am such a bloody coward sometimes.
i may be blunt but in other aspects, i shy away, turn away.

anyways.
i've been more clumsy than usual lately.
broke 2 cups, and broke a water jug.
did coldside for the first time in almost a year @ ny.
scary shit. AM was the MOD.
i was practically begging the OM to take swap back her shift with him.
kakjah was bitching abt him the other day too, telling me not to be afraid.
but damn i felt like i was being sabo-ed tt day or sth.

Labels: random "in sights", shigoto

you know, sometimes, i REALLY don't understand.
why why why?
why do things have to be like this.
haha.
life is funny.

today i met andy at borders when i was going to the toilet.
then in the train on the way home zia zek sat beside me and i didnt really dare to say anything till we got off the train and i said, "are u from IJ?"
LOL.
turns out he lives like, across the street.

the other day, i discovered ms baey wrote an article in the I-S magazine...
so proud of her for some reason...
feel like framing the damn thing up.
haha.

thinking about coincidences.
yes. i do have alot of friends.
some, i meet by chance. some, may be fate? some, i end up making under unusual circumstances and keeping in contact isn't so important.
but the biggest irony is for those that i am used to speaking to everyday, but the minute the holidays start i don't even see them.
or those who were the closest to me in school.
when they disappear from the radar i actually worry quite a bit.
yet for some reason i never get round to contacting them till the term almost begins again.
i miss them.
yea, we cant expect to be friends forever.
but then, what is friendship?
is it something that is a convenience?
or something 2 people use to get what they want?
or is it something that lasts only at the spur of the moment?
AGG may be classified as someone i befriended under unusual circumstances i guess.
and for people like raph C. and Pinky, its probably chance - we all happened to go for the same field trip.
for friends like the pigs, and classmates, its prolly fate. or at least, i think so anyways.
it was fate that we happened to work tgt in the same outlet even though weel, jibean n i requested for a different outlet.
funny, isnt it.
haha.

Labels: random "in sights", tomodachi

我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停
也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心


i think no matter how a person is surrounded by people,
they still feel lonely somehow.
maybe, in fact, the more surrounded they are, the more alone they feel.
the closer people are to each other sometimes makes it more difficult to say what they really feel.
sometimes.
then there are also times when u can't say what u feel frankly to people you don't know because its not polite, or, because you really won't know how the person will react.

人げんわさびしだよね。。。
でもね、一人でもう、大丈夫よ。

but it seems as though there's nothing anyone can really do about it.
we are born, we live, we die.
i think twins are lucky though..
you get to be together with someone when most people are alone.
that 10 months.

the exams are over now.
i don't ook forward to the holidays right now.
im getting a sense of foreboding, but don't i always?
and i'm thinking of the Monster again...

你最近还好吗？是不是也在思念里挣扎？你说会记得我，你还记得吗？

it was somewhere in May i think, when we started talking.
and talking, and talking like we have alot to talk about.
and surprisingly, it never ends.
now it has though.
i wonder what will change by the time he gets back.
and.
something someone did recently has been bugging me.
its been a long time since i wrote about * here, but it bugged me.
asking me why i anyhow accepted ppl's friend requests when i don't know them when the reason why i asked abt it is because i was connected to that random person via *?
so it was * tt RANDOMLY added that random person in the first place and then accuse me of it.
maybe it wasn't a deliberate accusation on *'s part but it stung all the same.

yes maybe im over sensitive, AGAIN, but at the same time, you're no longer that close to me to be able to say such things anymore.
you made it that way yourself.
or maybe this distance was what u wanted from the beginning.
you know?
you're the first one i relied on then, and over this period of time, u were also the one who made me feel like i was burdening other people by talking.
and i've been carrying the guilt around like a brick tied to my heart.
i felt like a thing that weighed everyone else down, that i shouldn't rely on people because one, i hurt them, trouble them, and two. i end up getting hurt as well.
so i should just keep my gob shut yea?

but i've been lucky enough to meet a few other people that made me feel otherwise.
actually, they told me otherwise.
and yes, after this semester's modules, i learnt the same thing they said.
to heal is to try and forget.
but in forgetting, we have to remember.
and to remember it, we have to tell.
and telling it over and over and over eventually takes the pain away.
and i will wait until that day comes.

the few other people, at the same time were talking about the usual 'why you don't have a bf' topic and here's why.
clearly, the person who even considers this has to be like, understanding and patient to the point of being a saint or something.
first there's the family drama; so yea, everyone has some drama but mine is one of those that has a little more than the rest.
second; theres the time issue. i have almost no time for myself, what makes me even think i can make time for someone who should be placed on par with my current friends and family?
third. when my stress level reaches the max, is he going to take on my crying fits?
fourth. i don't even know if there's ANY guy, for that matter, that i can trust with all this in the first place.
and basically, if i cant trust, a relationship cant happen.


end of story. =)

Labels: gakkou, random "in sights", tomodachi

yes.
this is me.
the idiot.
yes.
i'm fine by myself.
my god.
this is like a bloody re-run of secondary school.
why did i bother being nice last semester.
i feel like the idiot left behind eating dust.
so this is what friend means.
not being part of your new friends.

yea, the general "rule" is to treat other people how you want to be treated.
but the flip is that you really shouldn't expect other people to treat you right.
this is the human race we're talking about.
and yea, friendship is impt, but whats there left to say if another group of people will allow you to maybe get better grades?
so you go with wherever the flow leads you to?
i'm sorry i thought otherwise.
it was my own naivete.
so last year the flavor of the week was me.
this year it isn't.
next year might very well change.
so mote it be.

i will try not to think twice about what passes out of my mouth anymore.
why should i be careful and consider how you feel?
i have been in the past all this is where its gotten me.
why should i tell you the truth?
i should have just let what they all say behind your back continue.
putting in pretty words doesnt make you think any better of me.
telling you about it = to you taking it totally the wrong way.
i won't tell you my problems anymore.
thinking of you of a confidant is way scarier than i thought.
i can just imagine you going "what? its true what."
because even before i told you my weakness, you already had that power to shrink me to nothing.
and while i admire that beauty in you, it shatters me.
i will be more insensitive. may be grow a thorn or two.


better yet, follow my old motto.
"be as stone, cool as a lake's surface"

Labels: random "in sights", tomodachi

" Fucking adults like you are fucking up kids, bitch!"
______________________________- from LIFE


today's one of my slack days
guess i got hung over from yesterday's slack day.
LOL.

and today's also one of those days i'm happy that i find happiness in the small things in life.
i remember seniors always laughing with amusement when i get super excited over something small. in secondary sch and in uni; i'd always ask why they're laughing at me and they'd always shake their head and say i get happy too easily.
but still.

i'm glad i'm not so well off i don't have to walk on pavements.
people like that would NEVER look up at the trees and see the sun shining through on a really sunny day. or see how blue the sky is thrue the crown of leaves.
people who can't find delight in that first scoop of ice cream as they put it in their mouth on a sunny/rainy day are just, really really sad i think.
its during times like those i feel darn glad i can TASTE the ice cream. i can even grin.


i'm wondering something.
can there be love/romantic without having to get into a relationship?
the movie "How to Deal" kinda got me thinking.
its like, relationships do spoil things. someone recently reminded me of this notion i had a really long time ago.
but somehow i, as usual, went along with the crowd and well, we all know.
its no one's decision but my own i know though.




'Cause when you showed me myself
You know I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
-

Labels: ai, random "in sights"

okok. that post below was done just a while ago.
but i wanted to talk abt SEX AND THE CITY.
so.
just joined them tgt.
LOL.
i got back around 1230am i guess?
anw.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JO.
not that she'll see this though.
its just a mark i have to leave.








anw.
i have this notion in my head now.
is it possible that i would NEVER have to marry?
not that i wanna be like Samantha or anything but still.
No sex, no marriage. will it be alright that way?
i used to know that i never wanted to get married cuz i totally hated guys.
but i don't really hate them now, not all are bad.
although i'm not as crazy about them as banana is.
hmmmmmmmm.
i wonder.

Labels: kazoku, random "in sights"

a white figure with a veil,
the guise of a innocent hiding the shadow,
sheds its skin and what is within
is something no one can understand
how the the outer being be so different from within?

speak of your wrath and it ceases,
shut it in and it increases,
each time leaving a scar behind,
a pure heart turning grey,
a clear blue sky with lightning and thunder,
can make anyone shudder.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

anws.
work was, well, work.
saturday afternoon killed my arms and probably anna's patience with me as well.
haha.
i like, almost forgot everything abt coldside! its been almost 2 mths since i last did anything in coldside i think.
haha.
then at night i was cashier.
whew.
lucky there was excess, no shortage.
-_-
babysitting tiff was real tiring.

nothing is going on btwn my parents now and im pretty glad.
at least no more tug of war.
but the after effects?
its really bothersome.
i can't handle so many things.
i know at least one person who probably can, or thinks they can handle it better.
i wish i didnt have to face it.
i'm only good enough at pretending it doesnt bother me anymore.

or at least, thats what i keep telling myself..........and, everyone else.

Labels: kazoku, one of those random bits, random "in sights", shigoto

im such a dumb fuck, srsly.

Labels: random "in sights"

today was elections.
i dunno what i feel about the results.
but.
congrats to whoever got what they wanted.
really.
all of u put in effort.
esp to survive the rally.


ok.....
maybe its just me.
both of us are running around like headless chickens doing other things.
is this normal?
or maybe im the abnormal one.
then again.
its like, there are awkward moments.
although its most of the time definitely better than last year since i alr know from the past year, but its difficult sometimes?
its like, theres always sth missing....or maybe i expect too much?
like, i want to be able for us both to share stuff, but like now, its not happening.
sometimes i just feel like im doing all the depressing around here and while banana might agree with this, im really not always like that.
i can just NOT share but then i wouldnt be making any effort at all. so i share. but if the otherside isnt going to open up either, i'll just be _____.
like.
arggh.
maybe i am just. being. too. idealistic.
or maybe i just scare her or piss her off too much.
when actually i feel like im going to piss her off most of the time.

and isn't it ironic?

Labels: random "in sights"

"...the things inside people's hearts, exceed anything i can imagine...."
---------------------------------- Shuuji, from Nobuta wo Produce

the irony is, he lies to everyone else too..
appearing happy all the time, saying yes and helping all the time but never complaining although he feels like crap.
he does all this in order to manipulate everyone to his liking as well too.
until he meets kotani and akira.
one who doesn't speak and the other who only spurts nonsense most of the time.
lol.
fact of life.
we all never know what someone else hides.
until he or she says so.
even then, some people just say things that are different form what they feel.


"......I don't care if no one else believes me....i just want the two of them to...."
also true...
when u hit rock bottom, where the sponge lives in a pineapple who has a male ink starfish for a friend, life still goes on.
and u'll realise it doesnt matter if the rest of the world stares at you as though you have three heads....
all u need are the people who ALREADY believe in you BEFORE u explain yourself.

Labels: random "in sights"