我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停
也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心


i think no matter how a person is surrounded by people,
they still feel lonely somehow.
maybe, in fact, the more surrounded they are, the more alone they feel.
the closer people are to each other sometimes makes it more difficult to say what they really feel.
sometimes.
then there are also times when u can't say what u feel frankly to people you don't know because its not polite, or, because you really won't know how the person will react.

人げんわさびしだよね。。。
でもね、一人でもう、大丈夫よ。

but it seems as though there's nothing anyone can really do about it.
we are born, we live, we die.
i think twins are lucky though..
you get to be together with someone when most people are alone.
that 10 months.

the exams are over now.
i don't ook forward to the holidays right now.
im getting a sense of foreboding, but don't i always?
and i'm thinking of the Monster again...

你最近还好吗？是不是也在思念里挣扎？你说会记得我，你还记得吗？

it was somewhere in May i think, when we started talking.
and talking, and talking like we have alot to talk about.
and surprisingly, it never ends.
now it has though.
i wonder what will change by the time he gets back.
and.
something someone did recently has been bugging me.
its been a long time since i wrote about * here, but it bugged me.
asking me why i anyhow accepted ppl's friend requests when i don't know them when the reason why i asked abt it is because i was connected to that random person via *?
so it was * tt RANDOMLY added that random person in the first place and then accuse me of it.
maybe it wasn't a deliberate accusation on *'s part but it stung all the same.

yes maybe im over sensitive, AGAIN, but at the same time, you're no longer that close to me to be able to say such things anymore.
you made it that way yourself.
or maybe this distance was what u wanted from the beginning.
you know?
you're the first one i relied on then, and over this period of time, u were also the one who made me feel like i was burdening other people by talking.
and i've been carrying the guilt around like a brick tied to my heart.
i felt like a thing that weighed everyone else down, that i shouldn't rely on people because one, i hurt them, trouble them, and two. i end up getting hurt as well.
so i should just keep my gob shut yea?

but i've been lucky enough to meet a few other people that made me feel otherwise.
actually, they told me otherwise.
and yes, after this semester's modules, i learnt the same thing they said.
to heal is to try and forget.
but in forgetting, we have to remember.
and to remember it, we have to tell.
and telling it over and over and over eventually takes the pain away.
and i will wait until that day comes.

the few other people, at the same time were talking about the usual 'why you don't have a bf' topic and here's why.
clearly, the person who even considers this has to be like, understanding and patient to the point of being a saint or something.
first there's the family drama; so yea, everyone has some drama but mine is one of those that has a little more than the rest.
second; theres the time issue. i have almost no time for myself, what makes me even think i can make time for someone who should be placed on par with my current friends and family?
third. when my stress level reaches the max, is he going to take on my crying fits?
fourth. i don't even know if there's ANY guy, for that matter, that i can trust with all this in the first place.
and basically, if i cant trust, a relationship cant happen.


end of story. =)

Labels: gakkou, random "in sights", tomodachi

cccccut
hur.
family dinner on thurs night.
jo's been a cuttin' again.
does she think no one will realise?

oh i dunno.

the plot to kick dad out goes on and on until the break of dawn.

i am so frustrated.
and i dunno why.
if i did at least i could fight it.
but u can't fight a ghost.
u can't fight what you don't know.
u can't fight what you can't see.

so how should i deal with this?
how on earth can i fight memory?
how can i fight forgetting?
how can i live?

Labels: kazoku, one of those random bits

my body is screwy again.
in the sense tt its all wrong.
argh.
whatever,
its 5.30 and sort of done w shakespeare.
will edit it over the weekend.


tml night - start w 226.
if i can even decide what i wanna write on.
Misanthrope or Dr Faustus?
rawr.

And the fire fades away
Most of every day
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

there are two people in particular tt i feel about this way right now.
one, who's really on the other side of the world.
and the other who's physically in the closest physical range to me right now.
how can u miss someone so close?

Labels: tomodachi