As termed by the NY times survey


You embrace all varieties of culture and love new ideas that push boundaries and explore new avenues of thought. You love to dress so that your personality shines through and enjoy sharing your unusual perspectives on life with all who will listen. You are thoughtful and original in your outlook. You like to be made to think and often seek out ways to expand your horizons.

You're sophisticated and inquisitive with a real passion for art and culture. You pride yourself on being an early adopter of the latest music and films and always like to have a good book on the go. Your ability to bring together very diverse and even dissenting opinions is rooted in your appreciation for all points of view. You believe in immersing yourself in interesting experiences that make you look at people, places and opportunities from new angles. Being sensitive and creative you want to feel connected to the world around you and actively seek out opportunities to explore it. It's all about broadening your horizons and living life to the full. Anything else would not fulfill your curious nature. You'll love the list of The Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made, the Critics' Picks and Arts Beat.




WHAT IS VISUALDNA?

Labels: one of those random bits

maybe i am. haha. or maybe i'm just a really good fake. or a person good at faking.
wondering what i'm supposed to behave like.
so should i wear "hi im from a broken family, i would like to do drugs of some shit that would make me feel alive" all over my face instead??

really?

I wonder.

Sister two mentioned yesterday that its sad to be at home alone.
Really?

yea, i feel sorry about leaving her alone at home.
But. how many times have i gone down the guilt trip that has brought me back to the point of despair? if i don't stand up for myself now, then when?

will i ever, if not now?
carpe diem, no?

you cannot seize the day as an entity, but i think we certainly can change how the day affects our lives/us as people.

Labels: random "in sights"

i think right now my family is the one unit of people in my life who really shouldn't lecture me about what responsibility is. or rather, they don't really have a right to anymore.

dad threw responsibility out the window when he decided at one point in time that the family could survive on air and refused to take on a job to support the family.

sister one threw it out when she decided to be unreasonable at any time she felt like it, whether or not she dragged the entire family's atmosphere along with her.

sister two threw it out the window when she prioritized her bf over family and just relied on everyone else but herself.

as for me? i'm not any better than the rest of them because i decided to give up when i got tired. i decided to be more selfish, to tend to what i needed to get done first, stood up for myself. and as a result, that makes me become "independent" to the rest, but to my family i was irresponsible and very selfish. so.

until now i thought i could rely on my mother, but last friday she proved me wrong.
my cousin got me into trouble with the tax people and this whole thing started because of my mum, when i asked her to take responsibility, she conveniently shirked it off and told me to get it settled myself. all the other crazy things she does to me i can shirk off. but not when it regards something big like my future, or stuff that i already knew had a high chance of going wrong. she knew this could/would happen, but she didn't warn me, or try to prevent it from happening. if not for my foresight to carry that extra ezlink card, i would have been like a beggar stuck wherever his wandering feet took him. yes, i was nearly stuck right at the mrt with no way to get home. and with my good friend's wedding the next day how the hell was i supposed to come up with the ang pao money. wth srsly.


so, you, you, you and you, the four of you no longer have the right to tell me what i should or shouldnt do anymore. see if you try it again. this is the final shred.

Labels: kazoku

i'm pissed again at the boy. i mean srsly???!!
i am not. STUPID.
R keeps asking me why i'm still with him when he's like this all the time. and i told her she can't really say stuff like that since technically her gf's worse. so.

ah, the sick cycle carousel and the ferris wheel cometh.
up, down, up, down, round and round.
the end to which we know no bound.

Labels: koibito

5 essays in 4 weeks? Killing!

Labels: gakkou

as my post suggests pretty obviously. some things really don't change.
and even though i keep trying to shove it to the back of my already heavy head, it still comes back to bite me in the ass. so. might as well rant about it and get it the hell over with. this hurts my hands alot less compared to manual entries in my journal. so.

mum just told me she hurt her back again and its bugging me now because cleaning up after the two kids at home is gonna be helluva chore. and it sucks when i think about it. but i dunno how to help her w/o risking slipping back into the "maria" status i had to bear for that five years or so. it was hell. every freaking day was such a hell for me. thinking about my grades, thinking about what i had to do when i got home. thinking about the tests/exams and homework and housework and what to cook for dinner and memorising dictation for tuition then all but killed me. i was wilting day by day and i didnt even know it.

how immersed and lost can a person be to resort to running to libraries just to escape her own reality and disappear into a book? how much of a freak i thought i was that everything i wanted to do then involved blending into the walls so ppl couldn't see me? how disgusted i was with my own behavior i wanted to just be unhappy everyday and stop leeching. or wear a mask and fake my smiles every morning just so everyone would think i was stronger than i really was. how frustrated i was with my own emotional handicaps that i cried every night in the dark, pretending to be asleep when mum came in to check on me.

i don't want to slip back into that vortex of pain and confusion. especially now, when i don't have lianne or chippy anymore. i can't do this. i don't think i can. not anymore.

Labels: kazoku