as my post suggests pretty obviously. some things really don't change.
and even though i keep trying to shove it to the back of my already heavy head, it still comes back to bite me in the ass. so. might as well rant about it and get it the hell over with. this hurts my hands alot less compared to manual entries in my journal. so.

mum just told me she hurt her back again and its bugging me now because cleaning up after the two kids at home is gonna be helluva chore. and it sucks when i think about it. but i dunno how to help her w/o risking slipping back into the "maria" status i had to bear for that five years or so. it was hell. every freaking day was such a hell for me. thinking about my grades, thinking about what i had to do when i got home. thinking about the tests/exams and homework and housework and what to cook for dinner and memorising dictation for tuition then all but killed me. i was wilting day by day and i didnt even know it.

how immersed and lost can a person be to resort to running to libraries just to escape her own reality and disappear into a book? how much of a freak i thought i was that everything i wanted to do then involved blending into the walls so ppl couldn't see me? how disgusted i was with my own behavior i wanted to just be unhappy everyday and stop leeching. or wear a mask and fake my smiles every morning just so everyone would think i was stronger than i really was. how frustrated i was with my own emotional handicaps that i cried every night in the dark, pretending to be asleep when mum came in to check on me.

i don't want to slip back into that vortex of pain and confusion. especially now, when i don't have lianne or chippy anymore. i can't do this. i don't think i can. not anymore.

Labels: kazoku