i'm pissed again at the boy. i mean srsly???!!
i am not. STUPID.
R keeps asking me why i'm still with him when he's like this all the time. and i told her she can't really say stuff like that since technically her gf's worse. so.

ah, the sick cycle carousel and the ferris wheel cometh.
up, down, up, down, round and round.
the end to which we know no bound.

Labels: koibito

5 essays in 4 weeks? Killing!

Labels: gakkou

as my post suggests pretty obviously. some things really don't change.
and even though i keep trying to shove it to the back of my already heavy head, it still comes back to bite me in the ass. so. might as well rant about it and get it the hell over with. this hurts my hands alot less compared to manual entries in my journal. so.

mum just told me she hurt her back again and its bugging me now because cleaning up after the two kids at home is gonna be helluva chore. and it sucks when i think about it. but i dunno how to help her w/o risking slipping back into the "maria" status i had to bear for that five years or so. it was hell. every freaking day was such a hell for me. thinking about my grades, thinking about what i had to do when i got home. thinking about the tests/exams and homework and housework and what to cook for dinner and memorising dictation for tuition then all but killed me. i was wilting day by day and i didnt even know it.

how immersed and lost can a person be to resort to running to libraries just to escape her own reality and disappear into a book? how much of a freak i thought i was that everything i wanted to do then involved blending into the walls so ppl couldn't see me? how disgusted i was with my own behavior i wanted to just be unhappy everyday and stop leeching. or wear a mask and fake my smiles every morning just so everyone would think i was stronger than i really was. how frustrated i was with my own emotional handicaps that i cried every night in the dark, pretending to be asleep when mum came in to check on me.

i don't want to slip back into that vortex of pain and confusion. especially now, when i don't have lianne or chippy anymore. i can't do this. i don't think i can. not anymore.

Labels: kazoku

baby i would catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade ya... but you won't do the same.

is it enough to love? is it enough to breathe? somebody rip my heart out, and leave me here to bleed. is it enough to die? somebody save my life. i'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

cause i've never, felt like this before, i'm naked, around you, does it show? you see right through me and i can't hide, i'm naked around you, and it feels so right.

spend all your time waiting, for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. there's always a reason, to feel not good enough, and its hard at the end of the day.

even if the sun refused to shine, even if romance ran outta rhyme, you would still have my heart until the end of time. you're all i need, my love, my valentine.

let's fall apart together now.

too many times i have told you that i was okay, but i've finally found that i can explain, myself

in this heartbreak world, of just imagine. of its tired talk of better days. in this heartbreak world, of just imagine. come on lets make this dream that's barely half awake, come true.

Labels: one of those random bits

i do not understand why two people over 18 cannot just clean up after themselves.
i'm sorry, but i really don't get it. even if you wanna mess, why can't you just mess your own room? do your delicates REALLY have a need to find themselves on the living room floor? or multiple jackets on the dining chair? seriously people. and you opened your mouths to ask for a flat so you can stay on your own? really? will it be a home or a cave at the end of the day? i really don't know. home is where the heart is. where the people are at. but it doesn't mean that new places you live in cannot become home. its whether a person wants to be stubborn about it or not. and as far as i've heard, we all have a shot at changing as many times as we want before we reach the age of 30. suck it up people. its a bitter medicine to swallow, but at some point we all have to swallow whether we like it or not. i've had to and i don't know if its something i want to remember, but it sure as hell ain't floating outta my memories.

i wonder if my hair turned out right. =/

Labels: kazoku

there was a time you would care whether i ate my three meals a day properly, sleep well, what i did with my day.... why does it feel now like you don't care, or u can't be bothered. are you tiring of me already? is this your way of telling me you've had enough? how could you so rudely push your way into my life, then make me believe that being with you would be peaches and cream, then now you've had your fill, you wanna back out without me. how can you make me stuck on you like this then back out like nothing happened? why are you turning into the ice queen and keeping me in so much pain? to a point where even though i'm hurting i don't want to let go yet. the feeling isn't right. i'm not done trying, so why are you giving up so easily? am i not good enough for you to try harder? i opened up completely to you. do you know how vulnerable i am feeling now? one sharp word from you and i feel crushed like i can't breathe. is there something so wrong with me that you can't wait to get away from? i don't think i coddle you, or show you off like a trophy, or step on the things that are important to you. so why is it so difficult for you to remember the important things i say? what i like to do? if you weren't prepared to do all these things, why did you get together with me in the first place? can u even remember why you wanted to get tgt with me or has your feelings already deviated to a point of no return? am i really thinking too much? maybe you think too little about things like this. but i'm telling you now. you have to think about it. do i really ask for too much? if i am already outside my comfort zone for you, why are u still hiding in your comfort zone. even when u are wrong, you don't even try to do something to make me happy, you do what u think is comfortable for you. relationships were never meant to be comfortable one hundred percent of the time. its awkward, its mean, its hurtful, its happy, its pleasing, its enjoying, its laughing. its supposed to be everything. if u are all those things to me already, what am i to you?

Labels: koibito