yeah yeah yeah. oh oh oh.
less than 24 hours and imma free woman! (for the rest of the week!)
then its IHG prep and work and what not.
but i'm quitting borders bistro, that is final.
decided i'm gonna spend the last three semesters focusing on my studies.
if i really can't come up with funds for my grad trip maybe i'll borrow. or beg. or steal. but i am so getting out of here man.

more tomorrow. =)

Labels: shiken

it was the roll of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing.

you're just so predictable in every way i, i just want you to know i know your game.

-no more Killer's MOSH PIT TIX )= BOO-

has he lost his mind? can he see or is he blind?

Labels: one of those random bits

i'm not emo-ing.
i am just annoyed at how i REALLY REALLY don't like these things about myself.

1. I HATE the way i oversleep.

2. I HATE the way i remember useless things: this becomes VERY apparent during the exams.

3. I HATE the way i study so hard but it does not translate into grades. EVEN after changing my studying patterns, it does NOTHING.

4. I HATE the way i have to work so hard when other people can absorb like sponges.

5. I HATE the way the curse of the exams bring about the usual stuff that happens in my family.

6. I HATE the way I HATE these things about myself.




SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME AN ICE-CREAM.

Labels: shiken

resolutions.
1. break THE HABIT.
2. Start sleeping early after the exams end.
3. LOSE THE EXAM FATS!

Labels: one of those random bits

i just need to get this off my chest.
____________________________________________

i am no love guru, but i know enough to say that love was, is, and will never be easy.
esp the first.
and the first cut.
but still, you can't do this to yourself.
guys would say he is a disgrace to them, and i, as a girl, will say, going back to him now, like a yo-yo, is a disgrace to all girls.
letting him use u as a puppet once, out of ignorance, is one thing.
to ALLOW yourself to be used even after enlightenment, is another issue.

you told us so so so so so many things to the point we are all standing on your side and now you ask why can't we BELIEVE HIM.
omg. i couldn't believe you even suggested that.
its like telling us, 'oh whatever i told u guys in the past is over, a mistake, cuz i was angry with him. now, since i'm on good terms with him again, they are all not valid anymore ok =))"
so, you lap up whatever he feeds you and u expect us to do the same? sorry honey, the rest of us aren't buying any of that BS, not from him.
and now, certainly not from you either.
when i asked you who was more important, i was not expecting you to say us, your friends, but i sure as hell did not expect u to still say HIM.

you don't feel guilt for dragging all of us through the mud, do you? before this, i would have said, its ok, its worth it, you're doing the best you can, you're putting one foot in front of the other. now, its like, wth did i waste all my time for?
sacrificing SLEEP AND STUDY time for you to go running back?
if you're JUST FRIENDS, you should be able to control yourself.
and u still want to deny this and that.

these are the REAL ISSUES you are having.....
1) you lack self control
2) you are stuck in a habit
3) you just want things your way: if you want us to believe him, sure, but this would mean EVERYTHING he said about u was and is true, so, WE won't TRUST YOU instead. is this what you want?

and. don't say you are "sacrificing" for him. he NEVER asked you to, you are doing everything out of your own accord. you cannot play the role of "victim" anymore. there is a thin line between pitiful and pathetic. its up to you if u want to cross it. and i am VERY sorry to say this. but it is almost as if u WANT to be used. like your ass is itchy when you're bored and u need sth to spice up your life.

al was right. you are weird. like weird, weird. AND. you're self-inflicted.

i repeat, i am no love guru. but i know i have enough pride in me NOT to cross the pitiful line, let alone the pathetic. its not worth it. take a hit, learn your lesson, move on. none of the relationships i had were long, but short as they were, it was intense enough because every day something new would happen, its not long and drawn out enough for it to be a habit, but i was attached to the memory anyway. telling us you're still hoping with every hope makes me feel like smacking you to wake you up. i am being harsh because the consolation and kind words has already been tried and tested but it doesnt work.

but after that 2 hours last night and me finding out you still went to study with him is more than enough to let me know that even sarcasm and cynicism does not permeate that thick, and i quote you, "stupid", head.

i feel like throwing in the damn white towel alr.

Labels: ai, tomodachi

DON'T tell other people we're pratically neighbours and whatever else because we're only all that when it works to your advantage.

DON'T let me tell you everything if u are gonna bitch about it to a room full of random people after wards.

i and sick and tired of being sick and tired of you giving me ur irrtated-wtf-faces when i didn't do anything to deserve those looks. i've been taking it all into stride but one day i am gonna burst and i am and i am not afraid of you anymore so be prepared for a freaking tirade. or at the very least, be prepared for me being damn str8 with you.

DON'T complain you don't really have friends or that your usual circle of friends don't really hang with you because you are the one that pushed them away in the first freaking place.

DON'T budge in and tell people your life is 10 times more busy than theirs when they just want to rant because the GREAT you (you are gr8 to a certain extent) inflicted it on yourself. SO SWALLOW IT. because you chose this path, fucking suck your thumb and walk it. i'm not saying you can't complain. i am saying, don't tell other people they're having it easy.

you behave differently with different people, and i can see. i'm not play-doh. u butter certain people and you give not very pleasant stuff to other people. and unfortunately i fall into the latter. one perfect example would be aft lunch this afternoon.

i am thankful for what you did for my birthday and so i tried to do the same for yours. i love, no loved you for who you are, but just because i don't bite at you doesn't mean i am okay with the shit you throw at me. and i am not saying you can't throw shit on me, but idon't fancy being the floor rug thank you.

i am NOT talking to you tml, that is for sure.

Labels: tomodachi

its not the same anymore.
the ideals i had are not playing out, just like any ideal anyone has.
things don't go the way you want them to.
and no one can control feelings.
but.
what is the point in going out as a group for everyone to break into sub groups?
then might as well we just go out in subgroups right? there isnt anymore need to meet as a whole, because the "whole" is already broken.
do you think its easier for one than the other?
its not.
but we're selective, there's no doubt about this.
why do you think i started the fire?
i have seen enough to know, as much as you say i'm childish, or tease me.
then my response is that it takes a child to see the bottom line--in real life kids do have a sensitivity they and others do not understand, but it is there nevertheless.
the neutrals on one side, then for and against.
blame it on me, heap it on me. whats new? the beginning was also my creation.

Labels: tomodachi

i broke 3 times today.
the emails, the grades, the people.
stab by friggin stab, drop by drop.
cut by cut.
i have nothing left.
laugh and say i'm emo why don't you.
things like these NEVER happen to you.
run away when i ask you to explain, say i won't understand.
but u NEVER even gave me a chance to and you call me apathetic and naggy.
but guess what.
you don't know what i think, you don't know what i feel either.
nothing that comes out of the two pieces of flesh you call lips comes close to what i feel.
you want to know what i feel?
i feel my head crashing into the freshly painted wall.
i feel the scissors slicing my skin.
i feel the weight of the world, the speck on sand on the floor.
i see the self destruction of a heartbroken and my heart goes along with it.
do you know?
no.
i try to hint, but you dun get it. AT ALL.
and you think i nag. but when i don't, you don't even notice anything.
why even bother including me then?
just because its a constant?
then don't.
do i have to break down for you before you even twitch an eyelid?
then i'd rather die in front of you so you will look at me, even if i am in the goddamn coffin and i can't look back at you.

Labels: tomodachi