ok.
sometimes? i wish i really didnt have a heart.
then whenever something like this happens, i wouldn't be so bothered, nor would i care.
its bad enough when one comes at me, but in this short span of a weekend?
two of them is more than enough to kill me.
not that i wasn't dying before they started on me.
first there was theDAD.
went back to khatib to help TRY pack some stuff up so mum could have the cupboard.
i was reduced to coughing and wheezing thanks to the dust and the dog.
i swear i looked like i spent an hour crying my eyes out although i really wasnt.
so i didnt get much packing done.
but cuz theDAD was home, i figured i'd go say bye to him before i left.
he DID bank in quite a bit of money this month...mayb to make up for last month, whatever, i guess its his way of trying.
so.
what awaited me was a whole bunch of "are you trying hard to do well or not"s
this isnt the first time he's doing this.
it always come before big exams.
during O's, he was like, if u don't do well, we can find other alternatives, and no, he didnt mean it in a good way. nxt was during the A's, "just go to private school" he said. yea, with what money? more like, his indirect way of saying, get a job.
it just proves he really doesnt care about a DAUGHTER'S education.
i did well for my first sem last yr.
i screwed my second sem.
which brings me to my current ditch i'm in.
when i have no mood to write, the essays i churn out are complete crap.
i knew this in sec 4, and i know it now.
but when i don't feel it, i can't produce anything.
and i don't even know what "IT" is.
its not like a report, when the stuff u put in are facts.
anyone can STATE things.
but to write an essay abt a prioress in the 14th Century, facts don't even cut it.
at the end of the day, what i'm doing is just pointless.

then theres this other entity of theMUM
the mdm feels that it is the sole duty to suffer for everybody in the family.
is it?
i really don't know.
i mean.
all she remembers is what i DON'T DO, FAIL TO DO, or am BAD AT.
do i see her doing ANY fraction of this to my sisters?
NOPE.
she tells me i'm not arty like them and i can't draw.
and this is one of my vices.
what she says, actually has an effect on ME.
i just realised it recently.
i thought i'd accept it alr.
but guess WHAT.
this sense of regret i feel now, BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME.
all these years she said i can't do this, i can't do that, and i just think "yea, i can't do it, it's jill's or jo's thing, mum's right"
now i think, "did i even TRY???"
when she moved out in november, i was the only one who WASN'T blaming her.
i even apologised for not being able to help her move cux i was frantically mugging.
what did she do?
call me, sms me, making me upset, telling me all the things dad, n the sisters were doing to her.
of course, i broke down. because to top it all neither parent wanted to pay for my school fees and i was praying i wouldn't be barred from the exam hall.
today?
she's taking her frustration out on ME, telling me i waste money all the time (and she's the one whose spending on spas, but fine its her money), and thank god the second one sis helped her pack!
wow!
next weekend, i cancelled my schedule thinking the third sis n mum would wanna celebrate their bday on sat, and wella! mum's off to m'sia for the entire weekend!
WTF.
if i dont fucking make time for her/the family, i'm irresponsible and not "fulfilling" my role.
when i do make time, NONE of them CARE!?
so what is the point?
and i am NEVER asking her to help me ta my hostel bill alr.
she's like, killing me over it.
if i'd known i could pay by installments earlier, i'd have just done it. i checked with the office only after i got my mum to help.
but for god's sake, she's my MUM. she can lend her company, nephews, blah blah money but not ME?
and she can give jo allowance but not me.
and she doesnt even think abt the times i paid for our movie tickets which i never claimed from her. i mean its fine that she pays sometimes and i pay sometimes since i AM technically working but. she doesnt even think about it. and i know if i were to bring it up she'd say i'm being calculative. but look where i learnt it from?!
and she claims she not biased. WHATEVER man.
i'm not sure i wanna stay with her in AMK anymore.
sorry guys,
i'd rather just hole up in the far end of SG in Hall and let them miss my presence.
or berate me for being unfilial or whatever.
god knows i've tried.
and i'm too fucking tired.

i'm never gonna be good enough okay, never.

the reason why my mum only scolds me all the time is cuz she knows i'm the only one out of the three of us who'd allow her to scream at me w/o screaming back.
but fuck.
i don't want to be treated the way my grandma treated my mum.
after all's been said and done, my grandma nv appreciated my mum at all.
i do my mum's bidding, sometimes silently, sometimes grudgingly, but i do it.
why should i continue letting her take me for granted?

Labels: kazoku