The Blogger Daily

Me? Nephrite. aka Jade. Stone, first and foremost. Being human comes later. Nah. I'm just kidding. Film fanatic. Lit Major. Loves books (DUH). Dragon baby. Don't watch much TV. I want to live like its the last moon rising and scream, just like no one's there. Here, I might lose all of my control. Don't blame me later if you don't wanna heed my warning. sometimes I say things that don't come out right but its all in the heat of the moment. It's not too late for you to turn back now. In these Invisible Cities I will build by myself, I hope you will enjoy yourself. The city will be made of green and black. There will be no bed of roses, but a crown of thorns. There will be wilted red roses and drooping stalks of violets. There will be rainbows, but with no pots of gold. There will be more rain than sun, more tears than smiles. What? Did you think this was some kind of fairytale? Baby, wake up and smell the flowers. There are none. Where did the flowers go? I don't know. And then you will see the world through my eyes.

my past is my present....and will be my future

Friday, October 17, 2008

Nephrite at 12:56:00 AM

does time work in a linear, parallel or cyclical manner?
what if one day you wake up feeling this sense of deja vu?
you'd think its cyclical right?
but then when you're about to put on the clothes you first set your eyes on, you'd realise you wore them just yesterday, so you'd think twice, then reach for a new set of clothes.
this is linear, yes? because what makes your today, was what you try to change from yesterday (if it was bad).
parallel? when you jump back and forth between your past memories and your present being i guess.

i was so wasted yesterday.
no, i wasn't drunk.
it was the day i allowed myself to sink into that black hole.
its abyssal, really.
the minute something tips me over, there's no stopping.
until i've ranted, cried, shouted, screamed, tore, scratched, cut something.
i have no where to channel all my anger, or any feelings.
laughing till it hurts only works when there IS something to laugh about.
and people wonder why i always laugh the loudest, or the longest.
i assure you, attracting attention has got nothing to do with it.
its my bubble of happy really.
the more often i get to laugh, the longer it lasts, the less i feel like shit.
the less often i break.
yes, it may sound dramatic.
but my biggest fear is that, in confiding in people, i'll scare them all away.
"this girl has issues"
"psycho"
"crybaby"
"i didn't sign up to get caught in this crap"
why should my friends be any nicer than my family, i wonder.
i don't even have the confidence that i can keep any of my friends.
sometimes i wonder if they hang with because i'm like a charity case.
sometimes i wonder if i'm boring.
sometimes i wonder if they hang with only because they don't know the truth.
yes, i know alot of people.
some of which know the whole complicated story.
some know some of it.
some know nothing about me except i always laugh and smile and get high all the time.
i am so tired.
those i thought were the closest to me hardly bothered with me after i entered uni.
and since they've decided that, i didn't tell them about my shit anymore.
why should i? they have their own lives, and i sure as hell ain't gonna taint their new found happiness.
and they have their own set of problems.
everyone has issues.
i know that, i'm not THAT self-centered to think the world revolves around me.
still.
sometimes i can't believe the amount of effort i put in just to be left in the ditch.
guess i chose the wrong person(s).

which is why.
i've stopped trying.

i don't even know why i'm still fighting.
theres nothing left to fight for.