....but you don't know me,
you don't even care.

nothing interesting in the horoscope today so i'm giving it a miss.
anyways.
we discussed some interesting stuff in HL 104 today.
glad i didnt miss it.
and the portfolio's done so there's just one more 104 essay and one more HL101 essay to hand in.
we were discussing ethical criticism today in the context of DIRTY PRETTY THINGS.
and honestly, though there are laws to make the black and white clearer....
the law itself makes everything grey.
like the penal code thing.
how is allowing sex with a dog better than another human of the same sex?
i mean.
it just doesnt make sense.
and the polls on the net prove that a majority of singaporeans ARE homophobic.
which is pretty sad.
shelia brought up a good point in class while we were discussing the issue.
like.
if the point of having the law there was a method to keep the family structure in s'pore, then shouldn't divorce be criminalised?
and this is already assuming that the reason for keeping the code is to keep family structure, meaning if the code is taken out everyone in s'pore will become homo?
wth?
it sound like a disease.
or its being made to sound that way.

sth's bugging me.
i wonder.
if i appear cranky alot?
according to damien i am.
hmmmm.
interesting.

PISCES
There are many ways to connect with someone you want to build a relationship with. Most of your attention has probably gone into looking good and creating sparks ... but the truth is, there are many different routes that can provide a much deeper and more rewarding connection. Today, try to use humor, intellect or your political philosophy in a new way with this special person. These areas of your life could help everything come together in a more satisfying way.

AQUARIUS:
One thing is for sure today -- you are not going to be bored! But that doesn't necessarily mean that you day will be jam-packed with fun activities, engrossing projects or interesting adventures. Right now, your brain is in a very receptive phase, and will be able to find something to keep itself occupied nicely. Even if you're stuck on a plane all day, you'll be content and smiling. This is a good day to think through complex ideas and formulate plans for the future.
________________________________________________________
pisces is crap today

SATURDAY NIGHT 27th Oct:

just cam back from work.
did the 3 to 11 shift.
i worked from the most horrid hour of the day.
glad jills taking my shift tml.
though i like opening shift rather than closing.
oh well.
anw.
i only found out we had to dress up ytd NIGHT.
then i was like, whoa.
what the HELL am i gna wear?
i only have white at home and white is really inconvenient to wear when it comes to waitressing.
and most of my blacks were in hall.
so what did i do?

borrow mum's shirt..
borrowed her lip liner and eye liner.
and became a "victim" of the two vampires at work (anba n amber).
i had red and black lined eyes and two black tear drops running down my right cheek.
two red spots on the left side of my neck.
haha!
a minion of the dark.
nicholas said i should have dressed in white cuz my personality doesnt fit hell.
haha.
true enough.
i kept smiling.
i mean, and angel of darkness so DOES NOT smile.
haha.
wad the hell.
in the end i also wore Nadine's dark purple/black wings which were ENORMOUS and jammed up the runner's station (yes, of ALL the positions, i was cold side runner) and so i was the malcontent in the "heavenly side"

THOSE IN HEAVEN:
- Susanti: Cashier, white shorts, sleeveless blouse, translucent butterfly wings
- Amanda: Coldside runner w/ me, nurse uniform, white stockings and all.
- Joyce: white sweater, shorts, butterfly wings which were later abandoned.
- Geraldine: white tube dress, heels, black wings, host.
- Nick: white polo tee -_-
- Shizuko: devilish angel, white dress with devils horns. lol.

THOSE in HELL aka hotside:
- Yiya: Pirate? Cashier
- Anba: Count Dracula
- Amber: Vampire
- Cass: Nurse, Host, goth?
- Pauline: haha. freak of nature.
- Zul: Clown from hell, like in "IT"
- Zoee: Zombie
hahahahaha...


tips were good today.
=) yay.
________________________________________________________


FRIDAY 26th Oct:
I’m sitting in this cold, quiet room with 3 double seaters.
I am facing a cream coloured wall, the carpeted floor is clean, with brown, orange and green patterns on it.
There’s calm, peaceful music playing the background, which makes it all the more disturbing.
What goes on in this cold place is anything but calm, or perhaps it is just mirroring the calm on the peoples’ faces, the people who come here all don masks, serene and at peace. They come forth to make peace…. By breaking up.
The music grinds on my nerves and plug in to my mp3, trying to bring some reality back in check.
But the reality of it all bothers me some and I can’t stop the droplet that leaks from the corner of my eye.
I catch it before it rolls further.
And I recall what has just been said within these two hours.

everything that has came and passed in these 10 years was dragged up again
it was tiring.
and painful.
and the complications i had from sec sch was dragged up again when he asked why i didnt mind being separated.
why does he think i wanna stay in hall?
there are so many reasons.
uncle jud asked me to get a moe scholarship.
he n dad arent even thinking abt my interests.
taking the money would mean im tied for 5 years after i graduate.
and now tt dad is taking custody of the three of us, he's gonna get all the money, meaning if he doesnt spend it on my education, where is the money going to?

and yes, he is taking custody.
my mum has decided she needs a break.
and she thinks it'd be healthier for the three of us to be more familiar with our dad.
but whether she's more tired of us or cuz she genuinely thinks the exposure is good, i dun wanna go there.
i have my own guesses.
as for my dad.
us means the money.
all that he has said in that cold cold room, i already know.
he wasnt keen on us and will never be.
and now.
my mum says she may request to keep me so she can apply for a new flat under my name.
so.
i was right from the start.
we are like objects.
i used to see us as ping pong balls.
but i realise now its more like basketball or netball.
control of us = to control of the game.
the game is the money.
and the players are my parents.
the balls are us.
the points is the money they get.

the Man also said sth others have said.
i LOOK like my DAD the MOST.
but my CHARACTER is a mirror of my MUM's.
except for the pride thing.
that is all dad.
and the scholar in me is also dad.
the artsy is mum.
ultimately I AM A MUTANT.
i feel mutated.
now do u get it rtcc?
sry for that random message that day.
must've thought i was mental. haha.

i was dying to tell my usual confidante.
but right now i have lost my faith.
i dun feel like confiding in u anymore.
theres a wall.
and it isnt me.
half the time i feel like a sub.
as for the other half.
i've tried talking and u dun seem the least bit interested.
until i show u my black face.
but by the time i evolve in to a black faced freak i no longer have the appetite to speak.
i let the emotions bloom on my face.
and keep quiet.
im disappointed u know.
never thought it'd be like this.


i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno.

Aquarius:
You are learning how love can come in many different varieties ... and while this is very exciting, it can also be very confusing. Just remember to take things very slowly in any new relationships, and do not make too many assumptions about your growing feelings for someone. Let them just be what they are, and do not try to pigeonhole them into a certain category. Not everything has to have a name. Part of the magic of building something together is making it new and unique to the two of you.
_________________________________________________________

right now that is the furthest thing from my mind.
and i am in a FOUL, FOUL mood.

i am pmsing

i am stressed

i fell down the stairs
and someone saw me fall but just walked on.
it all happened so fast i didnt even have time to drop my laptop or scream.
all i thought at first was, "shit, thank god i didnt drop my laptop."
den my left leg started hurting.
but it isnt sprained or anything.
just the impact i think.

had some eng lit dept horror movie screening.
"the Dollmaster" (one of my favourite horror films) and "The American Haunting" (i watched a bit , pretty freaky. a bit like exorcist)
then had to rush for jcrc meeting.
which means, i have missed dance, AGAIN.
shit la.

the only good thing today is that i handed in my 809 essay of 1855 words. the most i have ever written.

Pisces:

Put social obligations and romantic endeavors on hold for a little while. They aren't going anywhere any time soon! Today, your brain is wired for wheeling and dealing! With this magical combination of charm and intelligence that's come over you, you could sell anything to anyone -- and get them to pay you double. Of course, taking advantage of people isn't your style ... but there's nothing wrong with utilizing your gift to help make decisions that could pay off big time.

Aquarius:

Your trademark modesty may prevent you from bragging to the world about your latest success, but it won't prevent friends and loved ones from singing your praises! Everyone is so proud of you, and while you might not be privy to everything they have been saying about, it's definitely all good stuff! Try to organize an informal activity (a pizza dinner at your place, maybe?) where you can check in with your fan club and send some love back their way.
_________________________________________________________

ok. the pisces one is spot on today.
but aquarius?
err.
weird.
haha.
got to lecture on time!!
yay!!!
first time in a long time.

met lyndsey n had lunch with her.
ahaha.
and watch 7-in-a-car perform.
whee!
go hall 8!
=)
the aids thing was corny.
haha.

chiong for 809 assignment!!!!!
jessica hagedorn's DOGEATERS.
1500 to 2000 words.

*____* """



like the dead face?

hees.
im high on vanilla milkshake.
pardon the randomness.
its sugar rush
=))



when words are caged and screams are silenced.
we sit and stare, not really looking anywhere
we dream big dreams
all far away
we try to close the distance
but end up pulling away
we try to pick ourselves up
but we continue falling down
we greet every dawn
wearing upon our face a frown
languidly pull on yesterday's clothes
look in the mirror and mask our face
and try to keep up with the great rat race.

chitter chatter you hear talk
you dun wanna hear so u just walk
but voices float and u're to close
now u feel so enclosed
u shut your mind
keep your silence
but then u have no license
u're sucked in anyway
the whirlwind of emotions,
empathy, sympathy or plain pity
they wash away
all you have left is anything but bliss.

i have just finished reading a book called " The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod: Eighth Grade Bites"
by Heather Brewer. its not bad.
haha
for a vampire story.
it has a nice ending.
not a sickly sweet happy one but a NICE one.
if u get what i mean.

persona - greek word for mask.
we discussed persona in tutorial today.
andrew extended our assignment deadline till nxt fri.
nice of him,
but it just means more procrastination on our part.
since Persona doesnt have any real interpretation, we're all left to our own devices.
which means, it doesnt really matter whether or not we have finished discussing the movie.
arghh.
im not tt worried about this module though.

the one thats gnawing at me is HL102.
curse norton.
i wish he'd never thought of compiling tt horrendous 'bible' full of old english.
crap.

gtg.
going for a round of scrabble and darts.

this means i have a year's worth of entries in here now.
anw.
i off to bed alr.
jus had B&J's Cherry Garcia thanks to jason. (yes, so thoughtful!!!=D)
and watched "super bad" in weelin n ritchie's rm.
stole some of jake's and justin's fries on the way back to the room.
thye actually ordered mac delivery.
then had a chat with lyndsey n lauren.
haha.

anna, check THESE guys out.
they're in this jap drama called Hanazakari no Kimitachi e aka IN FULL BLOOM FOR YOU...or sth along those lines haha.

Horos for the day..............

Pisces
Other people do not always practice what they preach -- keep that in mind today.
Itchy fabrics, spicy foods, and atonal music -- any (or all) of these off-kilter experiences will be just the ticket for you today. What you need most is stimulation! Seek out things that rub you the wrong way and challenge your tolerance ... these will help reinforce what you're tuned into, and help you expand your horizons. In your free time, sit still and watch the world go by. The people you see will bring entertainment, confusion -- and more of that stimulation you need.

Aquarius:
Today, the devil will be not only in the details -- but in the small print as well. Keep that in mind when you are looking over any sort of contract. This includes credit card receipts and application forms. One transposed number could cause big problems down the line for you. Luckily, your attention to detail is very skilled right now -- one re-read should reveal all the errors that are there to be found. Just take a little extra time to make sure things are right.
______________________________________________________________

freaky.
i just got the application for staying in hall durg the dec hols.
like....sheesh.

watched Persona in HL101 lecture today.
scary. disturbing.
disconcerting.
confusing.
mostly dark.
sheesh.
i really think im gonna get head damage after i grad.
IF i graduate, that is.
the hamster-weasel-otter gang all sat tgt today.
lols.
joel n i died in the middle of the movie.
but i somehow managed to wake up for the last bit.
joseph told me the part i missed was when "sister alma" sucked some blood of elisabet's wrist or sth.
gr8.
does this movie allude to dracula or what?

its raining again...
explains the humid weather earlier.
bleahs.
____________________________________________________________________

mac - nss - grp reunion. lols.
went out with lyd, mel, zid, fauzi ytd.
ate at MFM plaza sing then went to HV for hagendaz.
haaha.
sinful shit.
mel paid for most of it!
even though all of us kept telling him not to.
and zid was pms-ing.
haha.
one minute sensitive, next minute happy.
and lyd n i were rolling our eyes at him constantly.
haha.


for zid:

THANK U FOR BEING SOOOOO GENTLEMANLY WHEN THE THREE OF U SENT ME BACK TO HALL BEFORE U GUYS WENT HOME!!!
haha
=)

its mum's birthday today and she ruined our plans.
then she blames it on me saying tt i was the one who said we dun wanna celebrate birthdays anymore.
hello.
she was the one who said " im not planning anyhting, u go out and celebrate with ur friends" during my birthday
of course i'll go rite?
im not going to spend my birthday in this hell hole i call a home and emo in one corner lor
now i find out from jill that she said i asked her for money.
wtf.
srsly.
im freaking pissed.
when i called her to ask her who's she's celebrating with she wouldnt say
which means, its probably that asshole of a guy
screw them both la!
then i ask, what abt joey?
she's waiting to celebrate tgt.
then she says joey has exams blah blah.
shit la.
its a whole load of BULLSHIT.

and she just puts down the phone saying she has to atted to her student's parents blah blah.
screw the parents la.
u cant even handle ur own kids so why the HELL are u giving advise to other parents.
like u understand us in the first place.
u are so hypocritical its like u put on a mask and smile infront of painted doors.
u really dont see how the two of them try sometimes.
yea. they r still childish.
yea. they do stupid things.
yea. they may be unreasonable.
but so are u.
how can u use jill's scholarship as a loan for ur boss?
how could u do such a thing when u wont even let her have more allowance?
saying that she may back out from the deal, then u go and loan it to other ppl.
and u cant even get back our savings from ur own BROTHER.
what makes u think u can get ur boss to return the money?
let alone the interest?
i wont say anything abt my insurance for education because it was ur money to begin with and however u use it isnt my business.
but dont go and put it in fixed deposit then come and complain to me that me undergoing uni is unnecessary or shit like that cux u put urself in this difficult situation in the first place.
one minute u tell me to follow what i want to do then when i have one leg in it u tell me u think it is a shit idea to begin with.
why do u churn up lies to save face?
what is the freaking point?
u go round telling relatives u allow ur daughters to go out with friends and date and shit when u kept us under lock and key for so long we started to rebel.
get real. srsly.
how long are u gonna tell everybody different things?
u tell me jill bullied u during vacation then u tell jill i squeeze u for money.
wth do u think u r doing?
u're supposed to keep us tgt not tear us apart.
and u alr noe that the three of us have a fragile r/s.
u are so twisted.
__________________________________________________________

anw.
hall supper ytd was CRAZY.
got on the bus and sat with mei hui. shu pei n gang were in there, along with the jam band ppl.
shu pei drove me nuts.
went into fits of hysterical laughter n scared the shit outta mei hui. haha.

first stop...
ate at lavender....oyster omelette, carrot cake, popiah.
played that horrid number game with the morsels leftover.
major eww.
ritchie, tt lucky ass didnt even kena the forfeit at all but we made him eat anw.
haha.
LZ has VERY good chopstick skills.
so powerful it is tt the carrot cake jumped across me and landed, somehow, on ritchie's leg.
then another piece dropped into her drink.
got into the same bus as the rest of the azrielites this time.
and we made so much noise.
thanks to chee chong, who was milking ritchie.
ahaha.

next stop was geylang.
everyone was talkin abt the fish tanks.
i had no idea wad they were until recently.
oh wells.
nv too late to learn i guess.
had beef horfun and frog porridge.
YUMYUM.
then we went to the shop beside for yu char kuay n shao bing.
n soya bean milk.
more yum.

headed to mustafa centre for some grocery shopping.
i bought henna.
haha.
and i found out that my flik flak is cheaper there.

reached hall at 445am.
all of us dieded.
haha

Horo for the day:

Aquarius....
Unusual things will be very attractive to you today -- you're probing much deeper than the surface of things, and your mind will be awakened by what you find. People are very different on the inside than what their outside appearance may lead you to believe. It's not just about not judging a book by its cover, today. You might need to read a few pages before you get a good idea of how breathtakingly attractive someone truly is. Don't miss the opportunity to get to know this someone better.

Pisces........................
Your charm is legendary, but it might not be enough to light up the eyes of a certain introverted person today -- don't let it get to you! Focus on the people who already know and appreciate you, and do not neglect them in order to win over a new person on the scene. It takes time for some people to come out of their shell and join in on the group activity, so do not try to force things. If you can give them the space and time they need to get comfortable, that's when you'll win them over.
__________________________________________________________________

wow. both horo's are interestin' today...
hmmm...
we'll see if it comes true.
im going for the SUPPER HOP later...
9.45pm to 6 am.
why we need so many hours beats me.
and since my lessons jus passed uneventfully, i guess if anything interesting were to happen it should be during the supper hop...

watched 'DIRTY PRETTY THINGS' last night and couldnt sleep.
it was a bit disturbing.
like.
London now feels like the way William Blake described it...

I wandered through each chartered street,
Near where the chartered Thames does flow,
A mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe.

In every cry of every man,
In every infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear:

How the chimney-sweeper's cry
Every blackening church appals,
And the hapless soldier's sigh
Runs in blood down palace-walls.

But most, through midnight streets I hear
How the youthful harlot's curse
Blasts the new-born infant's tear,
And blights with plagues the marriage-hearse.

i mean... isnt it SUPPOSED to be the most civilized place?

then again.
sometimes the most civilized are the most depraved, the most base.
the higher up u are, the more u get complacent, give in to desire, basic instinct.
the way it crawls up unwittingly, eats away our conscience, returns us to nature...
and there u have it.
the makeup of mankind, human nature.
guess no one said humans have to be humane.
just like humanities doesnt mean we really learn what humans are like...
that's more of anthropology.

argh.
2 essays due nxt thursday...
along with designs for the hall 8 logo.
and the canvasing money from the subcomm.
and i have to chase my designers for their designs for the subcomm shirt now.
sheesh.

HOROs for the day:

Pisces
The problem with being too philosophical is that it can be easy to get caught up in your own thoughts. Think too much about people's motivations and societal complications right now, and you will get overwhelmed by the sheer scope of things. Instead, turn your philosophical scope down to a pinpoint of light, and let it illuminate your personal life. For now, just focus on the people in your life and what they're thinking about. That will make you feel like you can make a difference.

Aquarius
Are all the little social games in your life getting tiresome? If you are tired of people being all talk and no action, then it's time to make a choice. Either you stop listening to their talk, or you act for them! Follow your mood on this, and do whatever the moment calls for. They might not realize that they are pushing one of your biggest buttons, so keep that in mind when you call them on their bluff. This confrontation has strong potential to be highly entertaining, so enjoy the showdown!
_________________________________________________________

okay. i wasnt planning to blog but one look at the plastic covring on my bubble tea cup and i was convinced.
it was some hello kitty horoscope thing....and its sign was PISCES.
haha.
so i took it as a sign.

why do i have two horoscopes today?
i realised that actually since im both pisces aquarian i should look at everything from both point of views.

haha.
went to get jo's n mum's pres today.
and someone elses.
i cant say who.
the person might be reading this so.
haha.
guess away.


i did sth that im not proud of today.
and its a sin.
the biggest one i've committed in years.
i feel like saying the rosary but hey, i dun have it in hall with me.
crap.
i should have been more firm abt the whole thing but i just gave in.
again. as usual.
argh.
im so useless.
no anna, and ritchie, i am NOT going to a corner and emo n slash wrist.
haha. as u two like to say.
though i think ritchie prob wont read this.
haha.

i have finished watching claymore and heroes season 1.
and im gonna watch dirty pretty things as part of my homework for HL104.
i heard its a gory movie.
we'll see.

haha.
ms cheerleader and joey have the same birthdays....TML.

i better get gg.
have to go try on the size of the tee for the jcrc shirt.
im quite worried abt the t shirt supplier.
i hope they dun ruin the shirt.
haiz.

lata!

ok i noe the title is random...
horo of the day...

You will be so deeply in sync with the people you are surrounded by, today, that you might think you can read each other's thoughts! Have some fun by finishing each other's sentences. This synergy will be an incredibly useful tool for keeping everyone in good spirits -- and headed in the right direction. It will also make the day go by much more quickly, so if you are having a wonderful time (and you probably will be), make sure you savor every minute of it!
__________________________________________________________

today's horoscope didnt come true.
=(
is it good or bad?
wakanai.
demo, omoshiroi.
all i know is...
some things were, may have been, and/or could have been.
but because of the choices we all make on a day to day basis, may evolve into a will be, or will NEVER be.
then again...
sometimes.
we can try going back and make some things BECOME.
i dunno who reads this but if u are reading it, i hope u get what i mean.
im back to wondering abt the ambiguities in life.
and i have to admit.
it applies to myself.
my stubborn nature has eliminated quite a few options i could have taken.
but oh well.
i was never the type to take risks.
too afraid of losing.
but when i do think abt it, there isnt much i've got to lose in the first place.

ran into ka sim, ping n gladys today.
haha.
guess who's a BIMBO.
lols


to jill's tag.. haha,.
i heard the runner post is usually meant for lazy people?
dont that imply sumthing?
haha.

the biggest (i quote) "liar" is YOU.
i warned you.
looks like u got dragged down...




by none other than yourself.

horo of D day...

The nicest things in life -- food, music, friendship, love -- take time. Today, keep in mind the fact that there's a direct correlation between the time you spend on a project and the quality of the outcome. If you want to rush through things, that's your choice to make. But you need to be aware that the consequences could include a shoddy result. Taking short cuts may give you more time, but will it give you more satisfaction?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
okay i havent exactly blogged in a while.
2 days?

i'll start with today.
i'll say this now.
sometimes the people closest to you have the biggest ability to make you feel so damn insignificant u wished u had never met them.
that no matter how much effort you put in just never popped into their mind when they jus go on and on about things that make you feel even smaller.
that aside.
they tell you one thing when u sob into their shoulder then later on tell you something else all together and dash your hopes of anything ever going back to the way it is.
one moment 'its ok to show' how i really feel then its all forgotten and im told to hold it all in.
and i actually did it despite the feeling of betrayal.
fine, maybe im sensitive.
but i dun think it goes over the norm.
somehow its not ok when i forget but its ok when everyone else forgets.
sometimes i feel like some substitute.
but hey, who am i kidding.
its always been that way.
any hope i harbored has just been taken away recently and its not coming back.
there's nothing more for me to say.
im not gonna tell u anymore because u just dont care. you just use me when others arent there.
i havent said tons, i havent spoken much i was hoping u'd notice but u didnt, at even a little bit, not even at all.
just like i almost fainted in lecture that day, i hadn't said anything.
im just gonna slowly fade away, not that the person will rmb anyway.
maybe im no longer vibrant enough for u.

went to island creamery.
p-sd raph.
im so sorry
we'll all make it up to u k?
_______________________________________________________________
friday, 12th.

Where is your heart?

Today Was… I dunno…

Work was ok I guess…

The godfather was MOD..

I think they still have jill’s pay…. Dun wanna let her have it cux she hasn’t written schedule for this month yet.

Got kicked out of my runner’s station but whatever.

My fingers were all getting cooked slowly anyway…

They’re still sore from carrying all those plates fresh out of the dishwasher..

Later on I ended up doing ALL the condiments too.

Like, I dun see anything wrong with TWO people doing the condiments tgt esp when almost all the customers are gone anw.

I mean, we cant talk, we cant stone and if we dun keep ourselves busy?

I mean, three people cleaning one table doesn’t exactly make us look any busier… I think.

And getting scolded for HELPING???

What’s up with that?

Its not like I became a statue at the runners station…

I was constantly moving in and out, I took orders, cleared tables…

Jus cux I happened to be at the deep fryer when they walked in is so not justified.

But hey, what else is new right?

There was a runaway bill at wait 2.

Sian. It was taken out of the tips, as usual.

Anw.

I know who’s a buaya and who isn’t.

Tattle tale.

Screw u.

One day its gonna turn its head on u.

Im gonna miss josh n poh how n zen when they go to bugis.

And im gonna miss danilo when he goes back to Philippines.

And I was topping up the Tabasco I rmbed moses…

Haha.

The first newbie who tried to compete doing the condiments with me.

Haha.

I miss his impertinence.

Butbut.

Im q. proud of myself today.

I shouted back at jo when she shouted at me.

All I told her she was the one who put her lenses in my case.

And she blew up.

At that moment I lost it…

I was thinking like, hello!

U r using MY STUFF, u borrowed MY MONEY and u are still so un-freakin-reasonable??!

Screw you man.

chen was right... i have to stand up for myself.

Sidenote…

Kwang hui came today!!

First time I saw him in months!!!

_______________________________________________________

saturday, 13th.

biz was slow today...

zen was doing all sorts of funny stunts...

seriously.

me n joyce were smiling to ourselves the whole time, trying to stop from laughing out loud..

i was coldside runner.

i wonder if they put me runner all the time cux im lazy?

even if its that way i cant say much can i?

i got depressed towards the end of work..

why?

i cant stop worrying.

i have no idea why.

__________________________________________________________

something is missing.
what it is i know not.
it eludes me when i ponder about it.
the way ur thoughts fly away when u happen to neglect it.


its killing me.
slowly
softly.

Horo of D Day....

You should push your personal agenda a little bit more forcefully than you normally would today -- a little extra effort will take you a long way right now. This is a prime day for you, and you are poised to get exactly what you want -- as long as you show the universe that you want it. Visualize your life on this new level and soon your visions could come true. Put in the extra hours and extra effort that may be required -- it will all be worth it.
___________________________________________

i feel like saying "eh, hello. what the HELL have i been doing lately? if THAT isnt workin hard enough then i sure as hell have no idea what is man."

though i have to say that this year, nothing has been unsatisfactory academic-wise.
personal agenda for me is always a shade of grey cuz theres quite a few things im OK with doing in the future.
maybe thats why.
since i give myself so many options its hard to decide on one?
but.
i feel if i dun keep my options open i may just get uberly disappointed when i can't achieve what i want.
the disappointment will prob set off some depression thing tt will just destroy me.
so.
i shall be content with whatever god wishes to dish unto my plate, not that i'll just sit here like a duck and wait for my future to come to me of course.
but a little faith every now and then in that guy up there isnt so bad.
after all, he's been pushing me to the breaking point almost all my life.
i dont plan on giving in just yet.

i finally managed to cough up the short essay applying cultural theory on mum.
i wonder if it sounds like idolizing her.
but oh well.
she IS my mum.
and my first intro to feminism was her anyways.
and i think i may be becoming like the way she is now.
as in.
she's become a woman so damn independent that most of the time she doesnt need anyone around.
why so i say 'damn independent'?
because,
im becoming like that and i dun think its a good thing.
i've already forgotten how to react to stuff that should come naturally.
in fact, i keep denying it till i end up losing it.
then i feel sad.
which in a way is pretty dumb since i induced the sadness myself.
and i don't like depending on people either.
its like...
what if they jus cant ??
or what if they forget what if they tell me one thing that gives me so much strength then just rip it away from me when they forget what they've said before and contradict with something else?
its all so conditional now.


so.
what does a person do when it all threatens to fall apart?

here's the "DAILY SPECIAL":

"If you are involved in any type of legal matter, expect things to move to the next stage at some point today. Are you prepared? Get your paperwork in order and be the one to react first. You need to stay on top of all details right now, and take nothing for granted. Avoid any grey areas. Your life is all about black and white facts right now. As you move deeper into this analytical phase, you will be able to get more focused and reduce the drama in your personal life."

awesome, oh wow, like totally freak me out, i mean right on.

met up with sharan today n watched nanny diaries.
nicee.
hahahaha.

my horoscope gets crazier and crazier...
like the way i feel i'm becoming....here it is.:

There won't be one single overriding goal that you have to accomplish today. Instead, you will be dealing with many different smaller projects, none of which are on a dramatic deadline. So don't focus on completion or meeting a particular target. Instead, make like a circus clown, juggling as many tasks as you can with a sense of humor. This work lull is also a good opportunity to get back to basics with your friends.

anyways.
there has been tons of stuff tt has happened.
hmm.
let's start with work on fri....
as usual, on a fri, i barely made it to work on time...
was hot side host but felt highly inefficient cux my contact lenses were being a pain in the ass again.
so everything was kinda blurry.
not to mention lyndsey n lauren were in my room till four am tt morning and i had to wake up arnd 10-ish for HW101 lec.
joyce, me, susanti were all in a foul mood.
better yet, the fridge just HAD to PMS by breaking down.
our mudpies were more like melting avalanches and our lemon shiver was reduced to bits of ice floating around in a sea of lemonade.
try telling customers u've run out of SUNDAES in a dessert cafe man,
we were all walking jokes.

BUT!!

eddie came!!
yippee!
susanti left us all at the wrong time cux it was hell.
but somehow we made it.
went back home cux i had to have lunch on sat aftnn with aunty jac.

SATURDAY
i didnt get any freakin sleep.
tossed the whole night.
grrrr.
when i did fall asleep, ma woke me up telling me it was time to get dressed to go out.
sheesh.
went to this eating place at bugis... not bad i guess.
buti wouldnt go all the way there to have the food i can get somewhere nearer.
though i found this cool hanging place tt serves FANTASTIC cake!!!
BANANA!!! we hafta go thr someday!!!
went to a. jac's place for awhile then headed to work early so i could get some work done...
but in the end i was quite unproductive cux alex, shai, dan n car came and talked to me.
but it was nice of them to keep me company.
maricar finally kena the falling block of ice alr.
haha.
i still rmb the time when i got the cuts one after another.
hurt like hell.
haha.
oh wells.

anws.
SRTEM. u really suck.
in all the ways anyone can possibly imagine.
i felt the sobs and was reminded of my own months back.
u just have this way of hurting people u noe.
which is really becoming annoying.
i can hardly wait for karma to bite u in the ass, head and wherever else is convenient.
u are SUCH a HUGE, EGOTISTICAL arse-hole.

speaking of karma.
i ran into WQ when i was gg to the loo.
tho i knew he alr broke up with his gf i asked out of politeness.
ends up she ditched him just b4 he went for NS and the next day she was with some other guy.
guess wad i said!!
" wasn't that kinda what u did to me? haha"
i laughed in his face. and continued babbling away.
i even told him this was karma.
and he laughed back.

isnt it funny how life turns out?
he was the first guy who gave me a major ouch,
the one tt made the biggest impression, for all that it lasted barely 2 weeks.
still.
the memories will always be etched in my mind.
first cut is the deepest.

i think im gonna apply the cultural studies theory on ma.
peeps, cross ur fingers for me ya.
my assignments may be the death of me.
=)

the reason why i wasnt at block supper.
-i was trying to flush away the shit that was clogging up my day

today was the mid autumn fest celeb at hall 8. it started off with the arts and cult. opening, meaning, the jam band, acapella etc...
then it was the solving chinese riddle thing.
i act got one answer right...
but oh wells.
the other girl beat me in scissors paper stone so i couldnt answer.
but im quite surprised i did get it right.
im happy!
haha.
then came the watermelon eating competition.
lyndsey, dency, lauren n i sabo-ed hwei fung to go up.
haha.
she, as expected, tried to keep up a dainty appearance but had to let go and stuff her mouth so we WON in the end!
yay!
then there was an encore.
SHOWDOWN btwn da xiong and jeremy.
shu pei partnered jer and pei shi was supposed to help da xiong but i took over cux i eat faster.
meaning, im less lady like.
haha.
it was scary.
why?
i kept feeling like i was gonna choke cux i could feel the laughter bubbling up .
but yay!
we won again.
haha.

anyways.
its not tt i dun wanna work more.
its just tt at the moment i CAN'T.
im too tied down with sch work.

horo.....

As a calm comes over your emotional life, look for other areas of your life to grow more peaceful as well. For any social outings today, try to choose an intimate spot that's conducive to private conversations. Avoid crowded places with loud music or a raucous clientele. Even your wardrobe should reflect your inner calmness, and should feature neutral colors and comfortable fabrics that frame your face and let your personality provide all the color.


i was in a darn bad mood when i got up this morning.
like the way 'coyote ugly' is described.
like u feel so ugly and disgusted u jus wanna bite off ur own head.
i know it sounds emo but its how i felt.
like.
full of disgust with every thing.
from the way my face looks in the mirror to the languidness that greets me every cursed morning.
i was abt to sleep ytd nite aft tt horrible msn mini drama when evil twin msged telling me what sister dear said abt me.
ya, everyone can say dun get affected by what she says since we know it isnt true and my conscience is freakin clear but the reason why i still AM affected is bloody because we bloody share the same blood, dna, genes, what ever shit u call it.
when someone u've known and lived with ur whole life says ANYTHING remotely hurting theres nth left BUT to get hurt.
stabbed, shot thru the heart,
theres just no other way.
at least, i havent found any other way.

im trying to practise what jack chee said abt hurt.
that its enough that one person gets hurt.
why should there be cause for another?
i'll try.

anw.
deconstruction theory is eating at me.
im tearing apart what everyone says.
and honestly.
theres aLOT of things ppl do that contradict themselves.
even close frens.
but i shant say anything.
i'll try harder to understand.

on to lighter things.
my god.
ANNA LIM HAS GOTTEN HER DOSE OF KARMA.
she got bit rite on her FANNY today.
haha.
ALL OF US SABO-D her at cedele's.
HAHAHAHA.
angelis awaits anna.
A & A.
haha.
and PAULINE ALSO.
the beng chef is in LURVEEEEE with YOUUUU.
all the heart shaped CHOC CHIP PANCAKES =D
YUMMY.
hahahaah.
my gosh.
embarrassing her has made her realise how mortifying it was when she did it to me at the DnD.
except.
she LIKED what we did to her.
she was SQUEALING and SQUEAKING all the bloody way.
too bad we didnt get to check if he was gay.
altho we found out he was taken...
still.
muahahahahahaha.

horoscope for d day

Thinking ahead can be daunting ... there's no such thing as a crystal ball, and sometimes when you plan too narrowly, you end up making dangerous assumptions. To avoid the pitfalls of forecasting your life, don't get too tied up in time frames. Just think about what you want in your life and go about getting it. Recent bad habits are preventing you from expecting the best of yourself ... add more discipline to your life and say no more often. Perfection isn't the goal -- happiness is.


cool huh?
no school today...
but bz as usual..
argh.

Horoscope for d day:

There has been one too many misunderstandings in your social life, lately, and it could be holding you back from relaxation. You have two choices today: You can either get face to face with the person who is confusing you and finally get to the bottom of things, or you can move on to a different set of social partners for a while. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from people who are rubbing you the wrong way. You can always return later, if you want to.

anyways.
chippy came study with me today!!
haha.
it wasnt productive for her cux she was waiting for someone to come online...
hohoho.
but it wasnt too bad i guess.
with all the HD's she's a-getting.
lec was really boring t'day.
like.
the slides changed too fast for any of us to get any notes.
and it ended like, 1/2 hr early.
joel attended like, less than a third of it.
hahs.
and tml's lesson is cancelled!
andrew is overseas so we get the day off!
yay!
i'll use the day wisely.