haha.
this song brings back obs memories.
one of the first things that connected us tgt.
i bet i embarrassed the hell outta him.
but i was quite amazed by the 'performance'.
not to mention making him squirmy n beet root red.
hahahahahha.

back to the party,
we've eaten our fill of steamboat,
the longest one i've had so far.

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY TO JASON LOW aka PINKY aka CHICKEN WING.
hahahahahahahaha.

currently blogging from his place.
the guy is such a blur block i swear.
he destroyed his own surprise party
haha.
and he was so blur he didnt even see his present.
so -___________-


anws. i'll write in again l8r to update on how the whole thing went.

before getting the stuff, weel acc-d me to park mall for the imodel thing.
i think i'm not ready for that kind of scene plus i dont have that kind of cash for starting my portfolio,
so.
went to get GIANT scoops of i'c from island creamery.
visited sara at work cux she was bored to tears then find out that she's had GOOD customers.
we all noe what that means
hahahaahahahahahaha.
the rich skinny ass.

i was dancin' with my darlin',
to the tennesse waltz,
when an old friend i happened to meet.
introduced her, to my loved one,
and while they were dancin',
my old friend stole my sweetheart,
from me.

hmmm.
i said ppl all deserve a second chance so if i gave him a chance, why not her?
i don't know.
haiz.
what am i trying to prove now?
all i noe is that this isnt just my curiousity, banana.
somehow now that i've seen the truth of the way things are,
perhaps, just perhaps i can prove to everyone else she isnt what they make her out to be.
what if we were all mistaken?
all i cared abt at first was how he felt cux he was my friend first, before her.
and all i did was put myself in his shoes, and i felt what he was gg thru.
but now i can put myself thru her shoes, and mayb, she was in as much pain.
and no one knew.
she doesnt have people like i do.
i have ms S, weel, jillene and you, banana.
not to mention mama n papa.
in my head, i've put the puzzle pieces together.
oh well.


i got approached again ytd.
the only reason why i didnt run away again, ms S, was cux this time the person was a woman.
haha.
not as scary.
lol.
ohoh.
and banana.
ironically, someone asked me if i was a virgin today.
-_-
do i have a non-virgin face?
anws.
banana.
u shouldve been here t'day.
it was friggin funny.
anw. i was host today.
dunno why i was so restless today i ended up doing everything else BUT hosting.
sufyan had to constantly remind me i was the host.
bleahs.
got tricked into believing serve was gay.
lol.

haha.
before work i hadta go down to ntu for a med checkup.
wa piang.
had to do a urine test plus chest xray/
and we had to remove our bras n put on this super thin gown la.
and they stupidly sent males to do our xray.
so mortifying.

after work....
MY GOD.
i'm so FREAKIN EMBARRASSED.
shit man.
sara n anna,
u'd nv believe what happened.
its the dig a hole and die kinda thing.

ps:
in a detached relation to the essay i wrote.
i am the kind of person that can handle the truth.
if i find out that the truth is told after a long time, i get pissed.
i guess this is wad ppl find weird abt me.
too much stupid ethics.
tho i must say.
no matter how bad the truth is or how bad it makes the person look, i wont shun the person.
why? because. the person probably risked everything to tell the truth.
to me, in a way, its kinda like trying to right the wrong that has been done.
and i totally have respect for people with that kind of courage n initiative.
but if a person tells the truth after being pushed into a corner,
all i'll give the person is 'what the hell?' and walk off.

-bottomline.
when i ask u the first time, just tell it.

why do i put up with the horrid truth?
we all make mistakes.
no one is perfect.
it is more important to me tt people deal with what they have done rather than try to escape or live in denial.

judging ppl by their looks or just one mistake is just plain illogical to me.
i mean.
first impression wise,
take weel and sara. ( no offense u two)
if i had just catergorized them as 'bland' ppl simply becausse they are usually quiet arnd strangers, i'd have nv known their other more outstanding and important qualities that truly define a person.


on a more personal note.
if i could leap thru time.
i know exactly when i'd leap back to.

the title, by the way, is not only for the piano duet but also for the jap song by gankou mai.
both rock.
haha.

watched "The Girl Who Leapt Through Time" with weel.
totally hilarious at some parts of the show.
but it was really good.
to me la, anw.
haha. part of it revolves arnd sacrifice.
worked with zoee, howhow,fred, su, aaron, joyce, josh today.
anna n dan were coldside kit.
nth much happened.
except koonie came down with his grp of frens for dinner.
and zi yong paid me a visit.
too bad banana didnt get to see him.
hahahahaha.
he's another cute gentleman with a great tan n bod to boot.

ms S.
there will always be better players, desparate players and talented but super lazy players.
so the MAN (aka 'authorities') use threats to instil fear into the first and last of the three catergories i mentioned so they will turn up and so
1. the despo ones cant say their being unfair
2. the despo ones who always come in hopes of getting a non-bench-warming post get a chance to play.

then again, u prob noe all of these things alr.
oooh.
i am gg to attempt ur SATs essay qn.
its ARGUMENTATIVE.
hahahahaha.
i'll give myself twenty minutes ok?
haha.

basically i think the only diff between mine n her is the example.
-_-"
hers is realistic, mine is pure fiction.
this is bad.
i'm really rusty.


Qn: It is often the case that revealing the complete truth may bring trouble--discomfort, embarrassment, sadness, or even harm--to oneself or to another person. In these circumstances, it is better not to express our real thoughts and feelings. Whether or not we should tell the truth, therefore, depends on the circumstances.

Assignment: Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

here's what i say:

the question as to whether or not the truth should be revealed is reflected in day-to-day events so much so that authors write about it, philosophers ponder about it and still there may be no right or wrong answer. the question related to revealing the truth is always about whether the other party can handle the truth.

it is possible, i suppose, to evade the truth entirely for a time, but nothing lasts forever. a person can fool some people some of the time, all of the people all of the time but never everybody all the time. then again, human nature is such that even when someone does reveal the truth, the other party may choose not to believe the atrocity of the matter and continue on in denial. a person who insists on seeing a mouse as a cat will call the mouse a cat even if the truth is staring him in the face. therefore, i agree that circumstance and timing are all crucial points to note when it comes to dealing with the truth.

for example, in Shakespeare's Othello, Iago, the antagonist in the play states at the beginning, "i am not what i am" and even reveals his true nature to othello, the hero, but he is not taken seriously. another example of the theme of truth portrayed in literature would be in John Webster's "duchess of malfi" where the truth of the herione's marriage status and pregnangy drives her own brother to insanity. the play is also an example of how the truth ia always revealed at the end of the day whether or not it is to the favour of good or evil.

in conclusion, the truth may sting, but telling lies or by using other methods to evade telling the truth may lead to far more combustible results. when it is finally time to tell the truth, layers upon layers of lies would have been told to cover up for the truth and thus a greater sense of betrayal will be induced. at first it may seem beneficial to all sides but in the long run it will cause naught but more misery to all, somewhat like being penny wise, pound foolish; except money has no feelings, but humans do.





bottom line. i totally suck. the essay has no backbone at all.
i can so imagine mdm chitra drawing all the circles and lines across my words telling me theres no evidence, or that its too opnioniated, or sth.
argh,
i need brushing up.





wad should i do abt the hostel thing?
grrrr.

yes anna, but binge-ing lasts for so long.
after that.....hahahaha.

worked with legolas n banana today. haha.
v hilarious. anna, he is weird okayys.
seriously. banana and skud are VERY disappointed i bet, from what i tactfully managed to find out.
awww, u poor babies. haha.
and aft banana had to find out one of her fave actor's gay as well.
met up with mum, jill n a.rita fer waffles.....at WOODLANDS.
so terrified of bumping into PEOPLE there.
argh.
talk abt complicated.
the whole word is personified enough already.

here's today's entry:
i open my mouth to speak.
but no word comes alive.
they're caught in my throat,
stuck at the back of my mind.
naught fills the air but silence.
i stare with unseeing eyes.
i hear without listening.
some one nudges me,
but i do not react.
is this wad it means to be numb?
in my mind i scream for the world to hear.
but outside my skin the rest remain oblivious.
im giving up on my resolutions again.
i'll be a good little girl and listen to mother dear.
i wont stay in a hostel.
but i will continue to work.
i will stop dreaming abt what i want
and focus instead on what duty requires me to do.
and be........nothing.
feel nothing.
think nothing.
dont get me wrong.
i am not a noble or self less person.
i am now retreating into my old shell and staying there.
like i did in my early teens.
like a filthy little coward.
i hate it.
i know i can choose to rebel.
but will i be happy in causing my mother pain?
we all know the ans.

the last question i have for the day.













but what about ME?

why is it im always the 'lucky' one who has to suffer from suspense from my blog?
its not remotely juicy can.
just angsty and emo-y from time to time.
i've had 'anon', 'passerby', 'admirer', 'anonymous', 'somebody', 'nobody'
and now theres another 'anonymous'.
wa piang eh.
creative much?
how 'bout creative NONE?
its fine with me if u wanna leave opinions man.
seriously.
its also ok if u wanna criticize.
but just leave ur name if u please.

i was completely lost in translation in jap class.
and i did sth daring.
or it was, to me la.
haha.
but this is gonna remain confidential.
its embarrassing in a way.

ok. i dont think there's a such a word as 'languidity'
but i like the sound of it.
haha.
i think i've figured out why i like L's character from Death Note.
its cux he's so languid.
the way he behaves and moves.
he has no sense of time whatsoever.
i think that's the best thing.
elastic time.
that was so random.


here's a little something.
had a sudden inspiration.


the nightingale sings
waiting for the night to bring
the moonlight to keep her company
perched atop a birch's branch
singing as she enchants
all who hear are trapped
as though everything else is wrapped
the tune fills the air with breath
suggesting there is yet hope
but then she stops her tune
and all they feel is doom.

here's another.

a little pain is always present
whenever there's gain to gain
but what ever will happen
if one feels it again and yet again?
a willing stab to the heart
a shocking jolt from the start
the beating of that empty heart
sweet sorrow fill it up.

another one...
third time running. i have no idea where its coming from.

stake me out
i'll bring you down
hang me up
and i'll knock you out
tell the truth and you're in
i won't care if you sin
but if you lie
you'll be the fall guy
i'll keep this short
i'll make it sweet
mess with me
and you're dead meat.

right now i'm annoyed at alot of people.
even the people that i dont get annoyed at.
im not pmsing so i guess this is the result of supression.
still.
argh!
some of my frens are just so unreasonable, inconsiderate and just....
not THERE!!!!!!
i'm not mentioning any names.
if you're sensitive enough and think long enough hopefully you'll realise it.
though im boiling now.
i shall control somemore.
argh.
still.

another thing.
my life is totally steeped in shades of grey now.
i ABHOR it!
i'll separate everything back into black and white.
i'll stick it up to the man.
whoever the man is at the moment.
quote ' dont let the bastards grind you down.

i'm feeling quite afraid now.
i dont know where all this unbridled feelings are coming from.
anger, resentment, sorrow, despair.
why cant i be collected and 'cool' like before.
i need to get my act together, and soon.
i dont want to fall to pieces and be vulnerable for the world to see.
i'm surrounded by many people but at the same time, surrounded by none.

'neath the surface, my heart and soul screams bloody murder.
i'm lost in my own masquerade.



question: what do i do abt it? what AM i SUPPOSED to do?

the pisces in me:
You are certainly not lacking options right now, so your primary task today will be to try to figure out how to choose which one to take advantage of first. The good news is that picking a path is not an exact science -- it is an art (an art you have mastered). So just go with your gut, and pick the road that promises you the biggest fulfillment. Avoid anything that looks like a shortcut. Be ready to put in your time to get to where you want to be.

the Aquarius in me:
n the past, when you saw something you wanted to do, you didn't wait for an engraved invitation before getting involved. So why are you being so shy about embracing a certain new experience? Today you must stop hiding away from this adventure. If you keep focusing on a recent failure or disappointment, you'll stop growing -- and you'll never reach your full potential. Take a chance and jump off that balcony of fear. You will land on your feet!

conclusion: the mental struggle i go through everyday is enough to make me mad.

today:
woke up to the sound of sue's voice this morning and it gave me a shock.
haha.
man, as it is NYDC has become like my second home..
i spend more hours there than anywhere else for pete's sake.
and now it invades into my sleeping time.
anyways.
i went to replace brian.
replacing him tml too.
weel looks like a boy boy.
haha.
and is practising this tight-lipped smile and becoming dan's twin.

went out with ahem, js n ms S today.
ate at sakae (where we bumped into mama n papa),
din tai fung n spageddies (is this how u spell it?)
watched f4. AGAIN. argh.
somehow it was kinda draggy tho the occasional humour was appreciated.

HOSTEL HOSTEL HOSTEL HOSTEL!
i want!

'you say, i only hear what i want to.
you say, i talk so all the time, so.
baby won't you tell me why,
there is sadness in your eyes,
i'm the one who's feeling lost,
right now.
i am, vindicated,
i am selfish, i am wrong.
take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing, for you.
and give me back my point of view.
there's nothing left to lose.

hmm.
the gathering was broken into 2 parts.
tuesday n today.
ytd evening we went to settlers cafe for games and 'dinner'
i totally think minds cafe is better.
its not abt the games during gatherings...
its more abt the company and ambience.
anws.
ytd haoren, hilwa, jeremy, weel, jane, lat, serene, eileen, ahmad n me came.
abt half the class but i guess u can also say, the usual ones who will turn up.

today....
went to cafe del mar at sentosa with jeremy, jane, eileen n weel.
yeap.
one guy, four girls.
and jeremy's friends were also there, as in his bunk mates so we assumed that all the other botaks there were his frens -_-
haha.
singapore is small enough such tt one of weel's pri sch frens is also jeremy's bunkmate.
haha.
bumped into karen, one of the ex-nydc staff.
now i know why she was in the papers.
her bod is hot hot hot!
had dinner at eileen's work place this time.
MANHATTAN FISH MARKET.
haha.
i think i think,.
its better than fish and co.
and its slightly cheaper too.
=))

yay!!!!!
we did it!!!
we won captain's ball~!!!
thrashed 'em.
haha.
for some reason we were prepared for sth worse than what we expected cux none of us played in last years game.
hahaha.

the players:
- pauline (captain)
- susanti (vice-cap?)
- weel
- sara
- anna
- shikin
- jillene
- me
- fred

the scores:
Big O vs Wheelock 12-8

Suntec vs Holland 15-5

Heeren nv Big O 15-3

Wheelock vs Holland 6-13

Suntec vs Heeren 3-17

Big O vs Holland 2-12

Suntec vs Wheelock 15-9

Heeren vs Holland 14-5

Suntec vs Big O 15-14

Wheelock vs Heeren 1-12

*we all no longer dare to eat at any of the other outlets for the time being, even Big O.
they all probably hate our guts. all i can say is we played fair. and we didnt use any vulgarities.

here's the 411 our players.

PAULINE - as usual, got tons of skill though all the rules probably handicapped her some since her forte is bball and bball is quite physical. still, one of the best attackers. plus, she's CAPTAIN. need i say more?

SUSANTI & WEEL - i put them tgt cux they played the same positions or interchanged. susanti is one of our resident nydc monkeys and as expected, she was jumping all over the place. better still, looked darn innocent with her "deer in the headlights" look after accidently hitting the opponent catcher off the chair. weel, as usual. haha. perfecting timing for her blocks should be recorded man. always waits till the opponent ALMOST or TOUCHES the ball already then WHAM! she whacks it away. the giver of false hope and HUGE DESPAIR. haha. as expected of my ZAI-est girl!!

SARA & ANNA - our dynamic duo. the unbeatables. haha. the first match and already no one dared to even try and defend them. i think the only one was wai leng but not counted cux she's a pal. lol. anyways. superb teamwork plus force and speed is sth tt should nv be trifled with. lol. sara's aggression n monkey-ing was garnished is CRAZY stunts which was nicknamed "streetfighter" by the opponents. (by the way, she is the second resident monkey at ny heeren) like she always somehow ends up banging into someone the minute her back is turned or when there was this one time some girl fell and somehow tangled sara tgt with her and instead of the yaya-papaya getting the blame, sara was told off by the ref for rough play. -_- anna actually made sarcastic comments at the opponent. lol. " if u wan the ball to be yours don't hit the ball out then".... yea! in the middle of the bloody game somemore.

SHIKIN - aka LIGHTNING. she always appears out of nowhere n intercepts the opponents ball then disappears into nowhere n somehow appears on the otherside of the court. she's everywhere n her speed is unbeatable. nt to mention her good anticipation for long shots. and her face on court is as fierce as THOR's, the famed god of lightning, himself.

JILLENE - aka Ji-bean, if she were just a bit taller, she'd be weeling no.2. she actually managed to implement bball style tactics into the bloody game can. she defended DEBBIE, of all ppl, so tight, that jill almost always snatched the ball back from her. she hit the ball from btwn deb's hands, used the man-on-man tactic etc etc. made TONS of saves.

FRED - is our 'Kakashi', a copy cat. but in a good way. as the game went along she picked up some of the other players' skills la. it was like, whoa!

ME - the tall, gangly thing with arms an legs all over the place, was awkward at first but somehow instead of cracking under pressure, i performed better. though my fingers kept freezing up like when i have stage fright n my knees turned wobbly whenever the opponent blocker knocks into me n my chair. as anna-banana says, miracles happen, i actually managed to catch the balls. -_- thanks ar. there were alot of stunt-balls......1. crotch balls (courtesy to sara), crazy high balls which i caught by sticking my hands wildly in the air with my eyes closed a couple of times. oh and snatch-alls. the opponent act still tries to smack it put of my hands AFTER i catch la. and they smack my face, hands, arms. i lost it at the end cux of this stupid wheelock skinny ass girl. so irritating. still can give me attitude somemore. i think this is the first time the others have seen me get pissed, other than weel n jillene. sorry haha. but since i practise ethics i have the same expectations of others too.

waileng, another multiplayer like weel played for suntec while sue n the other outlet managers had to play for big O cux they didnt have enough ppl.

had dinner at the prata cafe then headed down to heeren nydc for drinks! yea! anba came along

I'M SO PROUD OF US!!!! none had the 'mo qi' or bonding that we had!


to ahem n ms S. im not pissed at ninny.
honest.
in the whole situation she's the most clueless i think.
i was only annoyed for that night.

another reason why im so proud of myself?
ytd i realised i didnt even shed a tear for him.
even in my pms-y state.

hmmm.
wanted to use the com but as usual, someone else was using it.
this is what happens when 3 ppl share one com and 4 ppl share a modem.
haha.

anws.
i was pissed ytd morning la.
being a girl is so irritating.
it'd better not screw up the game later.
was early for work.
nadine, howhow, jamil n aaron.
tips weren't bad.
haha.

this is for ms S:
i told him....
how his feelings can change like the direction of the wind is totally outta my league and that since he alr thinks he's trash, he IS trash cux he keeps lying and lying till i dunno what the truth is anymore. and what we had was probably a lie anyway so do me a favour and not tell her anything cuz it'll just complicate things even MORE. he's stuck btwn somone who hasnt let go and wont let go and someone new who wants him so bad despite the consequences so there really isnt any space for me and i don't want to be involved anyway. plus, i dont want him to say I MESSED his life up. oh. somewhere in the middle of this sms convo i also said that i condemn him as a friend and that the respect i have for him goes as far as being human but other than that he's nothing.

he says sorry blah blah, he's messed up blah blah, what we had was real blah blah.
i said. yea you ARE messed up. not me. i held back cuz i felt guilt. and i also said i cant understand, for the life of me, why he's so desparate and impatient to get into another relationship. and i'm not defending him when people say anything anymore and not gonna help him or tell him anything i noe abt her or cry for his health. what for do all that and get CRAP in return.

haha. i sent like, pages and pages of sms but i won't hold my breath waiting to see if it permeates his thick skull. i'll die and start rotting before he does.

the shopping trip went the way i expected it to go.
not very good
and under tyrannical rule.
plah!
my mum seriously just insists i go along for reasons that suggest she just wants to USE me sometimes.
i dont think this is what they mean by family.
but what the hell.
even if they all tuen into three horned bulls i'll still accept them .
but it certainly doesnt mean i like the way they are now.
and mum doesnt wanna let me stay in the hostel!

the undercurrents are there.
its all abt whether u wanna see it or not.
here's the 411 abt humans.
we see what we WANT to see, not what it REALLY is.

hey u ass.
i hope u're reading this.
i think i know why you're pissed.
don't worry. i didnt spread any rumours.
in fact, i was one of the last to believe anything.
who needs rumours when everything u do is in friggin PLAIN SIGHT?
haha. better yet, they all come asking ME.
and the best part is its all true.
then again, theres the old saying that states for every lie u create, u need yet another one to cover it up.
so what i am saying is, u can go on lying for the rest of eternity and it STILL WONT END.
but u alr noe this. need i say more?
and i'm not backing u up or defending you anymore.
you're on ur own.
or maybe u got pissed cuz i didnt even BLINK when u started throwing ur tantrum and start knocking and whacking things.
i managed to keep my 'stone' face on but inwardly i wanted to laugh though i got scared.
but u see, as much as i LOVE laughing, it would mean that u exist.
and to me, u are no longer there. besides, i'd rather save my energy for better things.
so i kept a lid on my fear, laughter and worry and devoted my attn to the cashier which actually required no attn at all. haha.

ninny, or was it nono, according to su, was equally annoying.
trying to be nice all the time, or so i thought, till i realised it might be sucking up?
i dunno.
i'm not into the 'layer beneath layer' crap.
nini went round telling everyone things abt me.
i wasnt pissed till the ninny started going round telling ppl i was mad at the ninny when i wasnt.
hello. EVERYONE shares the food.
the ninny actually had the guts to tell me that the dish "is MINE".
all i said was....'actually we all share all the food'
and the ninny went all over the place to tell everyone i was pissed.
yea right.
if i was pissed at the beginning, u're the bloody queen of england.
the worst is i cant do ANYTHING back.
the reason why i cant is even more vexing.
---on top of it all i practically had to help ninny do the job la. so dumb can.
but i chose to be nice. again. fish la.
now i think abt it, why the HELL did i bother. my god. our god.
i dont want to become a ninny myself.

ahem n ms S, u should've been here. it was damn funny i tell u.
from mama's reaction to supper. gosh.
mama's reaction. she smacked me and went like, "you see you see, i told u right, i told u cannot trust them" and continued nagging for sometime. papa was reduced to laughter and she even mentioned tt ms S would've prob had the same reaction as her. haha.
supper time was funny cux, well.
hmm. haha. howhow cracked some yellow jokes abt.....

honestly they're matchmade.
i told chili flake to his face as much.
liars, non-ahemahem people, and innocent-looking-but-not-innocent-at-all people get along real well.the whole reson of why i wanna laugh is because of this.
the ninny n nono hardly know anything abt themselves.
the whole thing is so amusingly combustible.

Man's worst enemy is himself.
the crap you're in man, was and is all self-induced.
so doncha even THINK abt shifting the blame to me.
people have eyes and ears of their own.
rumours are rumours till its proven.
i cant stop ppl from seeing wad they saw or have seen, what they feel or what they think. i was the blind-est. but now i see.
u can do it in the toilet for all i care but dont blame ppl for thinking it when u go off to the toilet and come back eons later.
dont look at me like i have three heads cuz the freak here is you.
since, as you say, i 'treat u like trash',what i say now wont matter.

THANK U SHI YI FOR THE SWEET TREAT.
it saved lives. haha.

servvel is a blonde and suf is broken and has lost his marbles.
funny funny funny.

the washers are so irritating.
argh.
keep mia-ing.
tho it was amusing to see the red shirts get down n dirty.

hey. yesterday's entry below.

the reason why is also there.

haha.

anyways. to those who have been advising me, u all probably know what a fool i am now for trusting n believing him. haha. i guess 'innocent until proven guilty', huh. i'm sorry i did trust all ur instincts, let alone my own. if i'd been more wary i'd have seen it all. but no. all i saw was the person i met years ago. i'm sorry for everything. to ms S n ahem. i think, there are some mistakes i made that i havent told u abt and if i did, u might even hate me. though i suppose u can say it all doesnt matter now cux "nothing" resulted and so it isnt impt anymore. i'm sorry u all had to put up with my crap. n be my rubblish bins. lol.

andand. for the person who keeps saying i treat him like nothing, fine. i'll give it to u. and now u'll really know how i treat people who mean NOTHING to me. even my enemy, if i had one, would mean something to me. so anyways, one dose of nought coming up for a zero person.
this is why my friends are everything to me. love fades easily, friendship doesnt. it may fade now. but 10 yrs later if friends who are separated meet again, there are still 'good' feelings. if lovers met up again, there is only sweet bitterness. this is why i can put my friends' needs above my own. i cant help it if they don't or wont do it for me. or if they forget abt me. but things should be done unconditionally. this is the concept u have NEVER grasped for all the time that u spent talking to me.

14^th june 07

someone hogged the modem so I have resorted to typing this shit on word.

Right now the song ‘everything I’m not’ is replaying itself in my head and I find every word of the song apt.

I’m glad I was over chilli flake before the worst shock of my puny life came but nonetheless.

The whole thing has allowed me to truly see what kind of friend and how self absorbed he is. And he’s supposedly, SUPPOSEDLY ‘grateful 4 life’

Grateful my ass okay. The only gratitude I see is the shit being blown back at me. As though u had no choice but to shit in front of a fan with ur head between ur legs or sth.

Today I’ve discovered how utterly alone I am and how dependent I was on him in the beginning of this year. The chats we’d have on anything, everything or plain nonsense.

And of how I’d take all the complaints and try to help, get myself worried over whether he’s ok or not. The hurt im feeling now is not a ‘love-hurt’ but a ‘friend-hurt’. Like the kind where u thought u could trust a person with ur life then when u need them most they just refuse to give u any time of their day or help or whatsoever. This is the kind of friend he is. But BGR wise he’s a despo. I dunno whats the hurry. Maybe he calculates the apocalypse coming in the near future. Which would also explain why he NEVER considers the consequences of his selfishness and indecision n pure lack of friggin patience.

But but. It doesn’t explain why he lies so much. If he was Pinocchio his nose would prob cover the gr8 wall of china like, twice over. Or maybe the amazon river too. But no. to him. All his lies are JUSTIFIED. Sorry hon, too bad n too late, I don’t have ANY trust left. I condemn u as a friend. seriously. i have no patience nor respect for people who keep lying. I respect u as a living being but that’s abt it.

Whatever it is u’re going for now. I know a couple of things but this time I’m not going to share any with. Why? If u say ‘grateful’ to me for life one more time I just might find myself six feet under. Those words are apocalyptic all by themselves. And I don’t want to appear ‘jealous’ or psychotic. No thank you. You can keep the drama in ur own life thanks. Mine is dramatic enough. And since u like shifting the blame, which I know u’re probably doing now, I don’t want to be another ‘factor’ that adds to the ‘messed up’ life you have. And u can ‘shift’ all u want. U’ll be the fall guy at the end cuz u’ll noe all on ur own, that all of it was ur own doing. We ALL have CHOICES. Its wad u make of ‘em.

You choose the hard way, good luck to u. just don’t drag us all down with u. .

Whatever the case, friends don’t do crap like what u’re doing to me right now.

I had your back, I backed u up.
Whatever I did was never enough.
Whatever’s inside’s now all used up.
You, you, all u ever thought abt was you.
What goes around comes around u should know by now.
Did you think that I would look the other way?

Here’s somethings abt me for the GUYS who don’t know:

1. I wear what I want and when I want. Even if it looks like crap.
2. I am NOT CUTE.
3. I am sarcastic and cynical sometimes. Savvy?
4. I don’t whine and manja I find it oh-so irritating.
5. I don’t have a mind-blowing, unforgettable face so cut the crap and don’t suck up. Unless u want it to fall flat in ur face.
6. I contradict myself
7. I can be a malcontent
8. I laugh like a mad woman, see if I don’t
9. im almost always cheery
10. I distrust smooth talkers
11. narcissistic people are turn-offs
12. I’m am not possessive and therefore expect the same in turn.
13. I HATE it when there’s sth up and ppl still say ‘nth’
14. I totally believe in karma
15. I hate homophobic people, its THEIR life, not urs.
16. my friends are n will be important to me. Even at 3 am in the morning.
17. break my trust and u’ll have to go a long way to earn it back
18. I forgive but NEVER forget.
19. details are EVERYTHING.
20. for the last time, I am NOT CUTE and cant be bothered ACTING CUTE either. I’m practical and str8 to the point, maybe outright blunt but NEVER materialistic. I couldn’t care less abt money

you said don’t go changing from the start
thought u were sth different but then it all fell apart.
Like You’re SO perfect, no one measures up.
Yea, all by yourself and all messed up.

Hmmm.
baby kangeroo had told me some enlightening stuff.
Will share in private.
Interesting …….but amusing at the same time.

argh.
the weirdest things ALWAYS happens to me.
haha.
i receive msgs from EVERYONE this morning sayin they'll be late.
so i take my sweet time.
that what happens?
they all call me saying they all reach, n where am i.
!!!!!!!!
tt time with js, sara they all also liddat.
PLAHS.
anna's case is the best.
lol.
late for work.
haha.

popped by with a sweet treat for her tho.
haha.

i got more scrapes n bruises t'day.
not ta mention the aching.
owowowowowow!
i'm so dead for opening tml.

then i cant find replacement for sat.
so the whole outing's postponed cux of me.
guilt kills.
and somemore.
that BLOODY PHONE I WANT is OUT OF STOCK!
like **&^%$T^!

then my mum suddenly wants to watch movie.
but weel came along.
haha.
and damn.
kept running into some of the IJ guys that've just POP-d.
and shawn, the idiot act approached my mum when i wasnt there to look for ME.
to help him brg home stuff so he wouldnt hafta lug it with him to go club.
and my mum started interrogating after that.
-____-"
ok, i know him, he stays two blocks away n we used to go to sch tog sometimes but that just abt sums up the 'friendship',
lol.
plus, he doesnt have my number.
the mistake was letting my mum noe that.
haha. i think she was quite stunned.
but i admit, the guy has guts.
haha.

this is wad i wrote 2 years ago.....

"i really thot i'd never ever go back to that horrible state anymore.

but guess wad.
i am.
i feel despair when there isn't a need to feel it.
i feel like tearing my hair out and screaming and crying all at the same time.
im angry and sad and hurt and i have no idea why.
i feel the need for an adrenaline rush, pain, to feel i exist.
i want to cry, but i cant. no tears flow. thats the only difference.
i want to laugh, but theres nth funny to laugh at.
i think im losing it. dammit.

i can't take it anymore.
the issue with jill.
my education.
their education.
my future. their future.
my mum. my dad.
i cant take it.
life. death. stress.
i cant tell which is which, wad is impt, wad isnt.
i am just so tired.

'xing fu' or, happiness is just a bluff. isnt it?
no one is truly happy. no one."

now theres a whole lot of other issues.
tell me.
am i gonna break out of the cycle?
EVER?

somebody save me.
somebody.
anybody.
everybody.
nobody?


if its nobody.
i need to find some way to perfect my mask again.
it seems to have gotten rusty.
oh well.
i'll work harder.
i'll smile more. laugh more. joke more.
pretend more.
defend n guard more.
i'll keep chen's message abt me seeming happy all the time forever just to remind myself.
and chee wee's words too.
zettai.

this is why i did the 'tarot' thing twice.
haha.
i'm born during the crossover, for those who dont know;
between aquarius n pisces.
i guess that makes me a pisces-aquarian.
hence my fickle mind.
one is practical beyond belief and the the other is a hopeless dreamer slash romantic.


hahaha.
i disgust myself.
its like i argue with myself all the time.
no wonder i like argumentative essays.
hmmmm.
more food for thought.

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

dear imaginary friend,
i wonder if you're really there sometimes.
because i seem to talk and talk and theres hardly any reply at all from you.
hmmm.
do best friends really function this way?
but if you refuse to speak to me then i must be imagining it all.
right?
so are you imaginary?
don't make me feel anymore guilt.
u nv once stopped reminding me of what i did back then just as i've nv let you forget abt the times u lied.
all i know is you dont always keep promises.
'i promise.....i promise...."
den you break it all.
i really will continue trying but if theres no result at all its a lost cause.
i cant help a person if the person dun wanna be helped.
i cant clap with one hand just as i cant make miracles happen.
i am a puny little human with a puny little life so stop making it hard.
argh.
why do i try so hard.
why? why why why friggin why?
and what for?


im reading a book called "skud".
here's a short passage from it.
"God, i know u can see me. i can feel you watching me, like i watch the corpuscles. why don't you reach down and touch my stomach and fill me with light?

every morning this is my prayer. Every morning god ignores me.
....
i can feel the angel. locked in this prison of my skin and bone, my body a shell for this heavenly being. my life is a mistake, i should be flying with wings through the universe. instead i slog in the mud down here.

i was shut out by god an eon ago. thrown out of heaven, with the dark angels, forever cursed to lose the light. falling, falling, slammed into a baby being pulled out of a womb and trapped in its little bones.

my body's a punishment for sins i can't even remember. i keep growing but the force inside me, it tears me apart."

isnt it wonderful?
though in a rather morbid n disturbing way i guess.
skud.
its what they all say.
i think i shall go find out what it means.

had a NIGI outing today.
had tea at secret recipe then went to minds cafe n played a couple of games.
haha.
weel, u cant do property dealing for nuts.
hahaha.
even after all we donated.
haiz....
haha.
headed down to NYDC to try and find replacement for sat n have a WBF.
haha. haiz.
i kinda dont want to go for the "family" outing.
we hardly EVER get thru it w/o any arguing anymore.
but on the other hand if i dont go i noe im nv gonna hear the end of it.
wth.
since when does family have politics n diplomacy involved.
sheesh.
and no one seems to be able to replace me.
argh.
so problematic.
anw.
shikin, ty, amanda, shane, hen, serve, ling were working.
the atmosphere was somewhat tense.
haha.
i've been there, done that.
and now i'm out of the picture and somewhat relieved.
hahaha.

omg.
my mum just did sth childish.
hahahahaha.
sometimes i think i'm the mother rather than e other way round.
-_-
ask me abt it if u wanna noe.
i'm sure u'll laugh till you get stitches.
plah!


found it! skud means shot.
like, by a bullet. shoot.

haha.
woke up late t'day...
so pai seh...
dunno how i slept thru the alarm.
though maybe its cux i slept at 6 this morning?
lol.
sorry sorry.
the funniest thing is that everyone was waiting for me to DO SOMETHING.
haha.

anyways.
met ms S n ahem on the train n headed down to yew tee to meet 'papa' n 'mama'
weel came on time too.
then we walked to the CC and started passing the ball using the bench as a sub for the chair.
haha.
weel, as expected of the zai-est girl in my eyes, was, of course the multipurpose person.
haha.
for all that hab says her eyes are item 86.
as for me, as usual, i felt like a fish out of water playing any ball sport.
my hands n legs seemed to fly everywhere and just REFUSED to coordinate.
haha.
though i must say we have unexpected talents.
anna n sara are potential 3 pointers!
and sara ROCKS at the 'forward' position for bball.
mygosh.
though all the talent only emerged AFTER dinner when we decided to have a second round of practice.
haha.
papa got her 'old feel' back.
mama has an unexpectedly violent side.
shikin is another zai one like weel, though its expected. haha. cedar nball lei!!
but still, weel is the multipurpose one.
hmmm. if jillene had a bit more ht i think she might me like weel.
cux that tiny powerhouse has lotsa arm power.
had dinner at NYNY. owe ahem MORE money.
boo.

MISS S.L.
i know u're prob reading this.
aft some consideration.
i think.
it isnt so much that i was raised well or that my sisters are the way they are.
its just that they havent grown up in certain ways yet.
think abt it.
they're used to being looked after, not the one looking after.
so.
and they don't have to bear the responsibilities i have to.
and i dont think i want them to.
i doubt they can take it if the positions were reversed.
i mean look at them now. they already think they got PROBLEMS.
right now they dont see the big picture yet.
like one of my friends said once, "one person bearing the hurt caused by someone else is enough.
why spread it n cause more pain?"
haha. i bet u didnt know. i can be vindictive when pushed to the limit.
though i suppose you're thinking my tolerance is a tad bit much.
my mum used to say. "give them time, they'll learn"
and that was YEARS ago. and they are still like that.

one example.
during the WHOLE week i was at OBS no one actually collected the mail.
i mean ya, it was my job.
but hello. i was away for a week.
i sure had a real PLEASANT surprise the night i got back.
the mailbox was STUFFED to the brim and i had to lug it with me when i alr had my hands full with my own bags.
not to mention i had to ta bao food for them on the way home.

second example.
i wake one of them up for sch.
we run late so i say hurry up.
she goes fuck you.
wow.
so much for trying to help.
and i cant cuss at her back cux....im the oldest i need to set examples blah blah blah.
haha.

example 3.
in upper primary.
this is how a weekday goes.
i come home from school.
bathe.
go to the kitchen for my mum's written instructions.
prepare the food.
start the cooking.
(sometimes my mum comes back in time to help, sometimes she don't. i need help or stand on a stool cux i cant reach the wok and fry properly.)
one time she was late. so i did it all.
stir fry veg n some meat dish.
one says. ew. why the gravy so little one.
the other refuses to eat the veg at all.
none take into the consideration that im tired and 11 years old and that i cant even reach the wok.
so at dinner i bury my nose in my storybook and eat.
no thanks from anyone, just lots of grumbling.
then at night i quietly sob myself to sleep.
haha. so lame right.
dont worry im not apathetic now.


have you enjoyed the little insight into my life?

so can u IMAGINE how i felt when that stupid woman asked me if i wanted to learn how to be a good housewife?
i gave her my most dead-panned-i-am-gonna-kill-you-look and said i can cook, clean, wash and sew. what else you want me to learn?
haha.
now.
i refuse to help with anything.
my mum complains im getting from bad to worse.
i feel guilty for not making her life a bed of roses but i dont wanna be a maid anymore.

why the alliteration?
its literal.
why am i so loaded with blur blokes.
really.
one after another.
is this karma's way of telling me i need to have MORE patience?
was feeling a bit down at the start of blogging this..
after i managed to "help" chen along ( i'm not sure if i actually helped him, mind you) with that diary thing, chili flake (adopted frm ahem), is creating problems for me.
not to mention someone else who is probably reading this entry so i will not mention names.
hello!
do you even have an INKLING of what the word FRIEND means?
its supposed to be unconditional.
lemme break it down for you since the word is too much for your pretty little head to bear.
it means you give. willingly. you take. willingly.
and every relationship is a friggin two way street with NO DEAD ENDS.
you can't be giving for ever.
just as you cant continue to take forever either.
you can't ignore or avoid.
everything is supposed to be str8 forward. not loopy.
wth is wrong with you.

and karma, u cursed thing.
why do u keep throwing me difficult guy-friends to manage.
has the word 'simple' ever crossed your mind?
whatever happened to plationic relationships anyways.
now its not only guy-girl but girl-girl too.
i've been thru both.
i wont say i enjoyed either trial.
its crazy.
and it makes SOMEONE think i am a CHARITY CASE.
which, i have to say is NOT TRUE.
hahahaha.
i REFUSE to become apathetic.
look what fat good that did for my da.
no one can survive on pride alone.
its like saying you can live alone.
its rejecting people, nature, things i'm sure you know you need.
anws.
ahem's blog seriously cheered me up.
there's nothing like a good dose of sarcasm when life is chewing your ass into bits.
only princesses and chili flakes wont be able to stand it.
why? the former is too narcissistic and the latter is too airhead-ish/
either way.......NOT a good combination of traits.
hence, the princess chili flake is reborn.
i give all credit to ahem for this. haha.

ironic.
the gf says i've the weakest link and the person asks me for instruction.
crap like that always makes me feel wary and awkward.
why does feel like some mass comm sch prep thing.
sheesh.
i nv used to harness my thoughts around people the way i do now.
its like.
i'm not bubbly like when i first started anymore.
and i find myself trying to warn the other newbies before they get burnt?
but i know when i first started when ppl told me these kinda things i'd feel like someone burst my bubble.
now the tables have turned.
i dont like the way im becoming.
but i know in the long run i'll need it if i'm gonna survive on my own.
still.
i guess it doesnt have to mean i'll like or enjoy it.
as it usually is with necessities.
i never used to gossip this much either.
but right now.
its my lifeline.
and i am SO living.

like that song says.
don't let the bastards grind you down.
i said this during the A's, i'll say it now.

AND.
WHO GAVE ME THAT KINDER BUENO???
wondering abt it is KILLING ME.




i'm that stupid girl who cries for everyone's health.
but who's gonna cry for mine?
i think i already know the answer to that.
its just tt saying it out makes it real.
so i cant run away from the truth anymore.
face it woman. just be as stone and be done with it.
fade into the background, you might as well.
i never was good enough for anybody. family or no.
and probably never will be.
its the same as studying.
its the limit.