i need to speak to you but u're not hearing me.
i need to understand but you're not helping me.
i am desperately trying but you're not seeing me.
just what are you trying to do to me?
nothing means something.
it almost always does.
especially when it comes to you.

when u were lost and sad i stayed up and listened to everything you said over the phone.
yes. even at 3 am in the morning.
even if it was the same thing u were talking abt over and over.
when i got you to call me, you fell asleep halfway.
when i needed you, u ditched me.

i'm sorry that what i started with good intentions turned sour so fast.
that in trying to help i made things pratically rot between us.
but how can u say that we're friends when u are so freezing cold and don't even give me any of ur time on any day?
i risked everything knowing u had the capability of lying and being mean.
i turned a deaf ear to my best friends when they advised against it.
i lost one because of u and to u it isnt enough?
u condemn me for not telling you all this?
wouldn't u have felt guilty or bad?
cant u see i was trying to protect you?
i knew u'd just got out of sth bad and space was what you needed.
i'm sorry i wasnt verbal enough.
but i thought that you'd understand me.
mayb i thought wrong.
i thought too soon, too far and too much.
i know what you've done for me.
but have you realised any of what i did?
or are you oblivious.......again?

do friends even do this to each other?
do they strip another of their defenses and then put their own up?

all i can say is.
every move i make, the words i said
all may have came out the wrong way.
and i've neglected to make things right.
but everytime i tried my best to think in your interests.
i was trying not to be selfish.
but my efforts have gone to waste, haven't they.

what is the point of saying all this now?

the point is this.
i am TRYING.
im TRYING to mend our broken friendship and i can't do it alone.
i'll admit it.
i need help.
its a two way thing.
i cant do it alone.
i can't, won't and don't want to wait for another two years to start speaking to you again.
i can't do it.
i don't want to leave things knotted like this.
it doesnt feel right.
even the wrong way.

you said you'd change.
are YOU done trying already?
or have u just changed into something completely different all over again?
or are you going to tell me that u've already TRIED to keep your promise but it didnt work out?
since i'm trying not to assume there are millions of possible reasons that've popped up in my head so please. speak.