The Blogger Daily

Me? Nephrite. aka Jade. Stone, first and foremost. Being human comes later. Nah. I'm just kidding. Film fanatic. Lit Major. Loves books (DUH). Dragon baby. Don't watch much TV. I want to live like its the last moon rising and scream, just like no one's there. Here, I might lose all of my control. Don't blame me later if you don't wanna heed my warning. sometimes I say things that don't come out right but its all in the heat of the moment. It's not too late for you to turn back now. In these Invisible Cities I will build by myself, I hope you will enjoy yourself. The city will be made of green and black. There will be no bed of roses, but a crown of thorns. There will be wilted red roses and drooping stalks of violets. There will be rainbows, but with no pots of gold. There will be more rain than sun, more tears than smiles. What? Did you think this was some kind of fairytale? Baby, wake up and smell the flowers. There are none. Where did the flowers go? I don't know. And then you will see the world through my eyes.

wth

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Nephrite at 1:25:00 PM

im sick n tired of ppl asking me abt my plans aft i get my results.
living a life of uncertainty certainly does nt please my palate.
but then, the only certainty in life is that nothing is ever certain
so where does that leave me?

even if i do do well enuf for the 'xams,
i may not be able to go to a u.
ma doesnt seem happy that i'll be spending more money.
isnt this ironic?
some parents pay big money to buy their kids into schools and here my mum doesnt seem to want me to cont studying.
i mean.
i think she doesnt noe wad she wants.
everything i do, i do only after considering whether im taking too much.
and so i ask her.
and she always says anything anything.
or i dunno i dunno u decide.
so i decide.
and every decision seems wrong.
and every seemingly wrong decision i make is a bargaining chip used against me whenever we have disagreements.
i aM a very boring n stifled person.
or rather, i've BECOME that way.

HELLO!
do u think i LIKE being goody two shoes ALL the TIME?
but now im stuck tt way and can only derive pleasure when i see other people doing bad stuff.
its sadistic and pathetic at the same freakin' time.
im one huge mess and i have no idea what to freakin do.
i noe i think too far and too much but i have no idea how to change my way of thought.
i feel apathetic every once in a while and hate myself for being so weak.
i've considered everything from a neverending sleep to running away but i, as Frost says ....
have "miles to go before i sleep"

sometimes i feel like a wraith hovering arnd with no direction or purpose...
invisible.
but invisibility gave me some freedom i guess...
i could believe that i was in my own little world, living my little fantasies thinking that if no one could see me i could stay in the dark and not be picked on..
but no.
this is reality.
i get picked on for being good.
i get picked on for being bad.
i get scolded for reading too much.
i get scolded for slacking.
i get scolded for trying to do well for my family.
i've been advised against being naive but when i get cynical i'm told off as well.
i've been advised to live for myself but i've lost the memory of how to and wad it feels like to do so.

wad?
wad?
wad?
am i supposed to do now?