the prettier the flower, the higher the branch.

so wad if we know all this?
so what if we noe that the enemy of my enemy is therefore my friend?
or that i should keep my friends close and my enemies closer?
so-freakin-what?

we all know its difficult to practise such sayings.
and though they hold no small amounts of truth n wisdom, to apply them directly would make me feel bloody wretched.

the fear of death makes life all the sweeter...
because we learn to appreciate the time we have left...

or or the more bitter?
because we live everyday knowing we are a day closer to death and that its inevitable?

this is the meltdown isnt it?
the things that vex us most are those that we do not understand, those we regret and those we can nv get a hold of...
and in terms of the topic of death...
its a combination of ALL THREE.

on matters of life and death..
no one can see ahead until it happens then and there, or rather, here and now.

as of 8.05pm this evening, gramps died.
so pardon the morbid entry.
and bye bye to my cny n the beginning of my private new year.

somethings are just not meant to be.

i detest uncertainty...
but most of all,
i HATE my own indecisiveness.


hmms..
met up with chen on thurs...
had dinner at some restaurant at far east then caught a movie...
it was supposed to be some sort of sending off but..
well.
i dunno.
i made him a small pres tt was meant to be brought along but he didnt.
and the reason why is somewhat infuriating.
arggh..
what the hell.
but so long it serves its purpose,
i guess thats all that matters.

i've decided that from today onwards,
whatever i do, or strive to do will be done with all my effort put it, all 200% of it.

if i've decided on something then i must follow through with it.

and,
without regrets.
ganbatte ikimasshoi!

so now, though its only gonna be for a few days,
im doing my best for this dreaded office job.
and the papercuts dun feel as bad cux i noe im doing my job right.
ren.

the life of an accountant...(or an acting one, anyways)...

thank goodness for THE FINGER.
now i dont have to lick my index finger just to flip the invoice pages.
my lord.
whoever invented it must've been a genius ten-fold.
honto arigato!!

haha.
the finger, for those of u who are wondering,
is this rubber thimble that can fit on any of ur fingers and it allows u to flip pages with ease.
no papercuts, no ink on ur tongue.
haha
sounds like im promoting it but, hey,
it saved my fingers today!!

met up with my aunt n uncle who came down recently from holland ytd.
actually, they're GRANDaunt n uncle, but im so used to just A n U.
they havent seemed to change much...
to us, years seem to drag, but to them, years fly.

my favouritest beyond favourite grandaunt is down with parkinsons.
eventually she may lose her memory.
this may sound petty and selfish.
but i cant bear the thought of her forgetting me.
she is closer to me than my own grandma EVER was.
always there for me.

went out today with jill n weel.
finally got shoes.
ran into ching n jeff.
and FINALLY took some pics with them.
hahahahaha.

o my god, o our god!
i HATE numbers.
the mere sight of it makes me cringe inwardly and wanna run away screaming at the top of my pathetically puny lungs.
ok.
i admit that was dramatic and exaggerated but.
have i mentioned i HATE the sight of numbers????

this job of mine is gonna make me numberphobic.
seriously.
whether or not there's money involved.
its traumatising.
and accountants are MESSY people.
hell yea they can arrange the numbers like magic but numbers are printed on PAPER.
and they seem to never have heard of something called organise by name or chronological, even NUMERICAL order.
seesh.
there's a invoice library but u cant exactly FIND the INVOICES.
if u get what i mean.
april is mixed with january.
like, WTH???

i m really pissed right now.
like, hopping mad-pissed.

shit you.
shit you for going behind my back.
that was the ultimate low.

-deep breath-
i am not a ping pong ball; i can think n feel
I am NOT a PING PONG BALL; i can THINK and FEEL.
I AM NOT A PING PONG BALL; I CAN THINK AND FEEL.


i need to remember.
i am LIVING. i have a SOUL. i have a BRAIN. i have a HEART.
and they are my own.
right?

...i ain't eldest...
...i can let go...
...i aint such a big fat coward...
...i ain't so boring...
...i ain't so sensitive...

...thats just it.
all of the above are 'if only'"s

haiz.
most of my guy frens have started ns
and lemme tell u. BMT sch isn't so bad.
as in their beds all that are in GOOD condition.
hopefully the guys can keep it that way.

its even worse cux jill n weel are out of town too!!
talk abt missing.
-_-
i m such a LOSER.
haha.


NY is So diff frm auric marketing.
like...totally.
anws.
iten stopped by ytd.
if only one fren could stop by everytime i work then i would always be cheered up.
haha

doesnt the title sound like some horror movie?
hahaha.

ytd it was looking for figures.
today is checking n ticking figures.
i tell u.
my ticks will be perfect by nxt week
haha.
sheesh.
im totally killing myself.
the computers are so old its yellow arnd the frame n it can even let me view ppl's blogs n frenster properly.
like, wth.

haha.

'dont think that we're not serious....
the love we make is give n its take.

my god!, no, our god!

im rather bored at the office now..
guess i finished the work they wanted me to do before time.
so here i am surfing abt thinking of wad information i wanna extract from this old n slow comp.
seriously.
its OLD n YELLOW okayss.

here's some food for thought...yum yum.

"Tell me, I will forget

Show me, I may remember

Involve me, I will understand"



"Lincoln’s Law – You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time."

"Murphy’s Fourth Law – If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

Corollary to Murphy’s Fourth Law – It will always break just when you need it the most."

im sick n tired of ppl asking me abt my plans aft i get my results.
living a life of uncertainty certainly does nt please my palate.
but then, the only certainty in life is that nothing is ever certain
so where does that leave me?

even if i do do well enuf for the 'xams,
i may not be able to go to a u.
ma doesnt seem happy that i'll be spending more money.
isnt this ironic?
some parents pay big money to buy their kids into schools and here my mum doesnt seem to want me to cont studying.
i mean.
i think she doesnt noe wad she wants.
everything i do, i do only after considering whether im taking too much.
and so i ask her.
and she always says anything anything.
or i dunno i dunno u decide.
so i decide.
and every decision seems wrong.
and every seemingly wrong decision i make is a bargaining chip used against me whenever we have disagreements.
i aM a very boring n stifled person.
or rather, i've BECOME that way.

HELLO!
do u think i LIKE being goody two shoes ALL the TIME?
but now im stuck tt way and can only derive pleasure when i see other people doing bad stuff.
its sadistic and pathetic at the same freakin' time.
im one huge mess and i have no idea what to freakin do.
i noe i think too far and too much but i have no idea how to change my way of thought.
i feel apathetic every once in a while and hate myself for being so weak.
i've considered everything from a neverending sleep to running away but i, as Frost says ....
have "miles to go before i sleep"

sometimes i feel like a wraith hovering arnd with no direction or purpose...
invisible.
but invisibility gave me some freedom i guess...
i could believe that i was in my own little world, living my little fantasies thinking that if no one could see me i could stay in the dark and not be picked on..
but no.
this is reality.
i get picked on for being good.
i get picked on for being bad.
i get scolded for reading too much.
i get scolded for slacking.
i get scolded for trying to do well for my family.
i've been advised against being naive but when i get cynical i'm told off as well.
i've been advised to live for myself but i've lost the memory of how to and wad it feels like to do so.

wad?
wad?
wad?
am i supposed to do now?

Three things never anger…

A wolf with cubs

A man with power

And a woman’s sense of wrong.

shit.
i've jus agreed to what my mother wants...again.
when is the vicious cycle gonna end?
how am i gonna get out of it w/o angering or making anyone sad?
how?
haiz.

wad is more impt, or rather wad should be more impt?
shit, this totally sucks.
im losing focus on wad is impt to me,
or rather, what used to seem to be impt to me.
doesn't family override the needs of a single person?
or is the individual more impt?
cux both notions are literraly tearing me apart inside out.
why is the clod's version of love oh-so-difficult to do?

anws.
been working my ass off these few days...
thinking of doubling the load by taking on another job.
the faster i pay off the debt for my braces,
one less bargaining chip she has against me.
bring it on baby!
i hope i sO can pull this off.
and im starting jap lessons soon too.
sheesh.
but somehow i get the feeling that im biting off more than i can chew...

met up with is n shihan ytd...
they gave me my xmas prez but i felt bad cux i gave 'em nth.
oh wells.
another debt incurred.
but this i dun mind!
haha.
watched confession of pain n visited danis n raph n austen at their res work places.
have a feeling tt this is gonna be a new trend soon..
haha.

tata.