am i?
i think i mite be.
too serious, that is.
shit.
like, wth la.

after all that has happened in the past...
is happening in the present and whatever may come in the future...
oh god.
here comes my tirade again.
i HATE men, boys even, i suppose.
i can't stand what they do to girls.
like eff off.
what in the world, no, universe are they thinking???
oh wait, i forgot.
they think with their dicks.

arggh.
ok, i apologise.
was stereotyping.
haiz.
i noe not everyone of 'em are liddat, but still.
why?
why?
why?
why are those that i noe of such pathetic low-life idiots tt make use of us?
shit.
seriously. shit.

with knowledge comes with responsibility;
yet to forsake one or the other would be to live a life full of fear, lies, denial and regret.
however, neither is feigning nor ignorance the answer to the shit dished out.
and whether men and women are 'merely players' is something, i think, that is up to us to decide.
btwn the imptance of
1. happiness vs attachment
2. freedom and entrapment
3. safety or honesty

ja-

hello my lovelies.
(did i make ur hair stand on end? haha)
just got back frm genting...
reached sg at 8.22pm...

oooh..
the bus ride was comfy...
but somehow i slept in funny positions so i've got killer backaches now..
haha..
anw..

since the weather was kinda bad,
we had to find alternative ways to occupy ourselves, which,
i must admit were not the best nor healthiest ways to do so.
there was shopping, eating, gossiping, slacking, snoozing, cam-whoring,
shopping, eating, scaring ourselves in the hotel rm( tks to raph), tv-ing, and oh, have i mentions eating and shopping>? =X

u can see. we've all prob put on pounds n lost cash.
but there's nth like a good doze of retail n foot therapy.
haha
here's some pix...
jill-bean n i tried to do the xi nu ai le thing...
the sleighbells r ringing....

just spent the night at weel's place..
going off to genting in abt an hour's time...
haha..

a real roadtrip i suppose...
since we wont be leaving the ground..
haha..

see ya'll on fri nite!

after a short stoning session today...
i kinda realised that sometimes people make others happy at their own expense without realising it till after they done it.
and the look on their faces sometimes also bely their state of realisation n confusion at their own actions..
everyones selfish in some way but sometimes some unknown force takes over and no one can really stop it...
i suppose its like giving in to cravings for chocs or cigs...
'cept the results are probably different...
like chocs make u happy while someone else's happiness does not mean u become happy too...
esp if u hafta suffer in silence...
but then thats stoicism... yet a different matter to delve into..

this song's stuck in my head...
'if it makes u happy...
it can't be that bad....
if it makes u happy....
then why the hell are u so sad?'

but the queerest thing i think is complications when it comes to relationships...
i mean... lit has given me a whole noew perspective on love-hate relationships when it comes to love...
den situations tt i've seen people go through bcux of pure attachment or attraction..
i honestly dun understand it...
den now there's always the question of sexuality.
a really touche subj but i have to say i am amused at some people's opinions...
all i have to say is...
i really admire n respect those who are honest abt it...
it takes guts to admit an then to live with it...
and to withstand criticism...

on to the everyday stuff...
jane visited today...
and geraldine frm cfp..
and some of zi yong's frens who couldn't even get my name rite...oh.. daniel was with them..
haha.
so singapore is really tiny eh?

hmmms...
its been three days since prom...which was on the 5th
i went to jills place instaed of them coming down to mine which was a good thing...
haha. my hse is a war zone.
anw. we made up at her place which was kinda fun.. weel n jill had temp tattoos!
and we put on make up tt was close to none. lol.
have i said wad a let down tt nite was for me?
sheesh,
the prom itself was ok i guess..
people turned up in some pretty interesting costumes...
thought some faces were unrecognisable...
some ppl crashed...
the food was okay...
everything was a-ok till clubbing.
shit man.
that part really sucked.
denied access. hello! do i look like a 14 yr old to u?
furthermore it was an underaged party la.
like wth.
jeff, me, el, lat were like, stranded.
it was shitty; i was really looking forward to dancing.
=(
jeff n i ended up pubbing.
i pathetically got high on a tequila..
walked round abit...met yazid, who offered to pay for me to get into another club but the mood wasn't there alr...plus my mum actually called and nagged on the phone...
in the end me, weel n jill went back to jill's place, had pasta n watched CSI till we KO-ed....
oh, zid called me and i sO think he was like, high.
haha.

6th.
left jill's place with a wicked sorethroat, headed home...
slept for a few hours then got up to meet up with chen for a movie.
man, talk abt guys waiting for girls, i had to wait for him for like, 4omins!
so much for meeting at 6!!
baka.
when he did come, we realised we couldn't watch flags of our fathers at cine.
so we headed down to ps. he wanted to take bus, den realised ezlink no $. lol.
so we walked n caught the 9 pm movie.
killed time til then by having dinner n chatting.
man, he's quite diff frm when i first met him @ e scrabble comp.
i dunno. its like. i didn't feel intimidated then but i do now.
again...it could be another william blake thing.
no matter how many times i witness changes in frens, it nv ceases to catch me off guard.
the show was good tho.
but i think there r other war movies that can give it a run for its money.
haha.
anw.
taiyou no uta the movie is coming out...tho its called MIDNIGHT SUN.
when i got home, i underwent questioning. like, -_-

7th.
sent touty off...
rushed down to suntec with weel n jill for orientation.
saw shane there too.
haha.
and he totally put the job down.
lol.
went home, changed, met jing to send joanna off.
...and ended up in e same bus as joce.
hello this is sg. haha. its too darn small.
anw. 2 trips to the airport in one day n i didnt even get to leave this redspot.
pathetic or what.

8th.
today.
first day of work is....
exactly wad it is.
the first day of work.
exciting, scary, intimidating, unsure. i dunno. everything.
tiring, even.
haha.
but somewhat fun.
interaction with people nv fails to amuse me.
and im happy when others are happy.
ok. now i sound like some leech. but anyway. yupp.

rite now i feel....i need to be more carefree.
less boring.
less high strung.
less excitable.
see, i wanna be mary HAD a little lamb who's now moving on to having a TIGER instead.
=)

someone once commented to me that my blog entries were complete opposites of the emotions that i usually have outside this blog.
well, have a walk on the wild side with me.
humour me.
i'll show u the ugly side of me.
sometimes i think ppl know i can't possibly be happy all the time but since i ooze positivity they assume everything's a-okay.
but then i guess its also human nature to believe in wad they WANT to believe and not the truth, i suppose a type of defence mechanism.
honestly, i think they might be doing the smart thing even though i think it isnt the right thing.
but everyone's entitled to their own opinions.
just like the evil can be great theough it isnt good at all.
most of the i like cheering ppl up...
it gives me a sense of purpose.
sometimes they confide in me. and i begin to question my trustworthiness.
can i keep their secrets?
i certainly try.
i noe enough to noe that no one has no secrets.
everyone has some kind os skeleton in their closet that they try to cover up.
so sometimes i dont like being a confidante and now i understand why ppl try to mind their own snubs.
but temperament stays me.
i always have the urge to worry worry worry
worry about problems that do not directly concern me .
it sort of gives me strength i suppose, it somehow gives me purpose when i feel lost and self-piteous. it reminds me that i am not suffering alone.
but frankly, it also has its effect on me.
i cant stop thinking until i noe everything will be alright.
what is wrong with me?
why is it i contradict myself?
things were so much sweeter back when mary used to HAVE that little lamb and now its become a HAD thing.
just like my naivete.