The Blogger Daily

Me? Nephrite. aka Jade. Stone, first and foremost. Being human comes later. Nah. I'm just kidding. Film fanatic. Lit Major. Loves books (DUH). Dragon baby. Don't watch much TV. I want to live like its the last moon rising and scream, just like no one's there. Here, I might lose all of my control. Don't blame me later if you don't wanna heed my warning. sometimes I say things that don't come out right but its all in the heat of the moment. It's not too late for you to turn back now. In these Invisible Cities I will build by myself, I hope you will enjoy yourself. The city will be made of green and black. There will be no bed of roses, but a crown of thorns. There will be wilted red roses and drooping stalks of violets. There will be rainbows, but with no pots of gold. There will be more rain than sun, more tears than smiles. What? Did you think this was some kind of fairytale? Baby, wake up and smell the flowers. There are none. Where did the flowers go? I don't know. And then you will see the world through my eyes.

im falling

Monday, August 15, 2005

Nephrite at 12:31:00 PM

hey...
this entry's gonna be philosophical tons.
so bear with me if u can.
if u cant then all i can say is sorry.

sorry.
that word.
is it really that difficult to say?
or is it only meaningful when u find it the hardest to say?
its ironic that some ppl cant get it out of their mouths when it is the most needed but when something trivial happens like stepping on someone's foot, the first word that pops is sorry.
think abt it. it'll give u a headache.

hopes. castles on clouds. happily ever after.
all of that is beginning to feel like illusions that i give myself to make me feel occasional bouts of happiness tho im really feeling the exact opposite.
the fact is, i dun like ppl seeing me depressed. and what do i do?
i allow everyone, i mean, everyone, to see my happy, smiling, enthu side that they seem to need to see.
i mean. im happy that i can cheer ppl up n make em larf at stupid things i do;

but who's gonna cheer me?

i dont want any more castles built for me in the clouds...
its all surreal
i want something that i will really have not just in dreams, but reality.
so please. stop building.
cux im falling from the loss.
i have fantastic frens, i do.
i get encouragement, really, i do, and im glad.
but not GLAD. noe wad i mean.
kaes. im babbling now. haiz. this is virtually useless.
im juz really really tired and really really scared of hoping for too much, soo much, jux to see it never ever happen.
i cant take it, no, WONT take it if the last straw falls.
which is when? i dun noe.
im tired. emotionally, mentally.
sometimes i cant breathe properly, like, my lungs filled with cement such that no air can come in or out.
it mite jux be my mind. but if thats the case, then it means im gg mad.

god.
yes.
i have everything necessary for a humane life but is it ever possible to live like a shell? a devoid of emotion and intellect?
perhaps that is how i will strive to become.
a pretty doll painted up to the nines on the outside.
but nothing left on the inside.
haiz.
heres a songgg

I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments
when everything is so clear
before the truth goes back into hiding

I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear
It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-lifedon't you see I'm breaking down
lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

I keep trying to understand
this thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you knowwhen i figure it out
but I don't mind a few mysteries
they can stay that way it's fine by me
and you are another mystery i am missing
It takes so much out of me to pretend

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down
Lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-lifeis there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind